The Rocky Horror Picture Show

Audience Participation Movie Script


As prepared for the adoring fans of the Memphis, Tennessee Cast known as:

“Absent Friends”

WHITE text is the actual movie script. Orange text is the callback lines!

Note: “Echo” means the lines are spoken OVER the preceding line, not after.
This is an Audience Participation show! Try to keep up!

Dr. Scott Arrives / Dinner

CUT TO: LABORATORY

THE ELEVATOR COMES UP AND STOPS. RIFF RAFF CRIES OUT AS FRANK HITS HIM WITH A WHIP. BRAD STANDS IN THE BACKGROUND WEARING THE BLUE KIMONO.
RIFF RAFF OPENS THE ELEVATOR GATE AND STUMBLES OUT OF ELEVATOR.
  ((EACH TIME BEFORE RIFF IS HIT:) Hit him again,- Hit him again, Harder, Harder!)

RIFF RAFF

Mercy!
RIFF RAFF FALLS TO THE FLOOR. FRANK EXITS THE ELEVATOR. RIFF RAFF GETS UP; FRANK HITS HIM WITH THE WHIP.
Oh!

FRANK

How did it happen?
  (Beats me)
I understood you were to be... (HITS RIFF WITH WHIP) ...watching him.

RIFF RAFF

I was only away for a minute,
  (Doing what?)
Master.
  (Bating)

FRANK

Well, see if you can find him on the monitor.
  (Echo: ...on the viewmaster)
FRANK HITS RIFF RAFF WITH THE WHIP; RIFF RAFF MOVES TO THE BACKGROUND
  (We've seen your forehand, how about your backhand?)
FRANK HITS HIM WITH THE WHIP AGAIN.
  (Needs work!)
RIFF RAFF MOVES OFFSCREEN

T.V. MONITOR SHOWS A MAN IN A WHEELCHAIR

  (It's R2D2, the umbrella salesman.) (No, it's Mary Poppins taking a shit.) (How does Mary Poppins take a shit?) (With a spoon full of sugar.)

RIFF RAFF

Master ... Master...
BACK TO SCENE
RIFF RAFF STANDS NEAR T.V. MONITOR. HE PUSHES LEVER UP.

RIFF RAFF

...we have a visitor.
FRANK AND BRAD PEER AT THE T.V. MONITOR.

T.V. MONITOR

MAN IN A WHEELCHAIR, WITH AN UMBRELLA
  (Captain Kirk says to his friend...)

BRAD (OFF SCREEN)

Hey, Scotty!
BACK TO SCENE.
BRAD PUTS ON HIS GLASSES AND LAUGHS.

BRAD

Doctor Everett Scott.

RIFF RAFF

You know this earthling?
  (Watch it O'Brien.)
FRANK HITS RIFF RAFF WITH HIS WHIP.
  (Fuck you, Curry!)
...this person.

BRAD

I most certainly do. He happens to be an old friend of mine.
  (Echo:...fuck of mine.)

FRANK

  (Favorite fruit drink?)
I see.
  (I like Hawaiian Punch.)
FRANK LEANS BACK AGAINST THE LADDER
So this wasn't simply a chance meeting.
  (No, it was a date with a dolphin.)
You came here with a purpose.
  (Janet's not a porpoise!)
FRANK PUSHES BRAD.

BRAD

I told you my car broke down. I was telling the truth.
  (Echo:...telling a lie.)

FRANK

I know what you told me, Brad, but this Doctor Everett Scott... is name is not unknown to me.
  (It's written on the bathroom walls.)

BRAD

He was a science teacher at Denton High School.

FRANK

And now her works for your government, doesn't he? He's attached to the Bureau of Investigation of that which you call U.F.O.'s...
  (Unfuckable object!)
Isn't that right, Brad.
  (No such thing in this theater!)
  (I wanna see some male nipple!)
FRANK PUSHES BRAD DOWN ON THE STEPS.

BRAD

He might be.

FRANK

You...
FRANK GESTURES WITH HIS WHIP HAND.

BRAD

I don't know.

RIFF RAFF

Intruder is entering the building, Master.
  (And the building doesn't like it one bit.)
RIFF RAFF PULLS UP THE LEVER, SWITCHING OFF THE PICTURE ON THE T.V. MONITOR

FRANK

  (Oh, where could he be?)
He'll probably be in...
  (The prayer tower!)
...the Zen Room.
  (Oh, no, not the Zen room.)

WIPE TO: ZEN ROOM

DR. SCOTT PICKS UP CIGERETTE END WITH TWEEZERS AND EXAMINES IT UNDER A MAGNIFYING GLASS. HE LOOKS UP.
  (Those of you who missed “Clue”, it was Dr. Scott, in the Zen Room, with the roach clip.)
  ((That's how it could have happened, but this is how it happened.)

WIPE TO: LABORATORY

BRAD LIES ON THE STEPS. FRANK WALKS TO THE CONTROL PANEL AND PUSHES A KNOB.

FRANK

Shall we inquire of him...in person?
FRANK THROWS A SWITCH MARKED: “TRIPLE CONTACT ELECTRO MAGNET”
  (Oh, no! It's the triple, cripple, faggot, magnet!)
  (Put your leg into it Frank! (HE MOVES ONE LEG SLIGHTLY) No, the other leg! (HE RAISES THE OTHER LEG AGINST THE WALL.))
THE ELECTRIC MAGNETS SLIDE OUT AS HE MOVES THE SWITCH TO THE SIDE.

CUT TO: HALL & STAIRS

DR. SCOTT IN HIS WHEELCHAIR IS “PULLED” UP THE FIRST FLIGHT OF STAIRS.
  (It's the new ride at DollyWood, “Thundercripple!”)

CUT TO: STAIRS

DR. SCOTT IS “PULLED” UP THE SECOND FLIGHT OF STAIRS.
  (No, that's “Days of Thundercripple!”)

CUT TO: FIRST FLOOR LANDING

DR. SCOTT MOVES AROUND THE FIRST FLOOR LANDING.

CUT TO: COLUMBIA'S ROOM

MAGENTA AND COLUMBIA SIT ON THE SOFA. DR. SCOTT ENTERS, CIRCLES AROUND THEM AND MOVES OFFSCREEN
  (Ring around the lesbians, Damn those Memphis Drivers!)

CUT TO: THIRD FLIGHT OF STAIRS

DR. SCOTT CONTINUES TO MOVE UPSTAIRS.

CUT TO: LABORATORY

  (Gee, all this riding around's getting me hot and thirsty.)
DR. SCOTT BURSTS THROUGH THE LABORATORY WALL.
  (Hey, Kool-aid!)
  (Hey, Brad, make a face like a U of M Grad!)
BRAD RISES UP INTO FRAME.

BRAD

Great Scott!
  (THROW TOILET PAPER. “He's got wheels but no fucking brakes!”)
DR.SCOTT COMES DOWN THE RAMP, PASSES BRAD AND MOVES TOWARD THE CONTROL PANEL, STOPPING BY THE MAGNETS.

DR. SCOTT

Frank-n-Furter.
  (Count Chocula.)
We meet at last.
  (No, we meet at first!)

BRAD

OFFERS HIS HAND TO SCOTT
Doctor Scott.
  (Put her there)

DR. SCOTT

SHAKES BRAD'S HAND
Brad, what are you doing here?
  (Ah, just fucking around.)
FRANK INTERUPTS THE HANDSHAKE WITH THE BUTT-END OF HIS WHIP.

FRANK

Don't play games, Dr. Scott. You know perfectly well what Brad Majors is doing here.
  (Getting good head.)
It was a part of your plan, was it not,
  (To get good head?)
that he and his female should check the layout for you?
  (That's not all that got laid-out)
Unfortunately, for you all, the plans are to be changed.
  (You mean we are not going to Six Flags?)
I hope you are adaptable, Doctor Scott. I know Brad is.
  (Hey, you promised you wouldn't tell!)
BRAD TURNES AWAY, EMBARRASSED AND HUMILIATED.

DR. SCOTT

I can assure you that Brad's presence here comes as a complete surprise to me.
  (Didn't you read the script?)
I came here to discuss Eddie.
  (Sweaty?)

BRAD

Eddie! I've seen him. He's...

FRANK

(INTERRUPTING) Eddie...what do you know of Eddie, Dr. Scott?

DR. SCOTT

  (Get conceited, Butt-fuck.)
I happen to know a great deal about a lot of things.
  (But do you happen to know how to walk?)
You see, Eddie happens to be... my nephew.

FRANK

Oh!
FRANK BANGS THE CONTROL PANEL
DR SCOTT STARTS TO MOVE BACK; JANET SCREAMS OFF SCREEN

FRANK

LOOKING OFF SCREEN
Oh!

BRAD

Doctor Scott.
CAMERA PANS AND TRACKS IN WITH FRANK AS HE LOOKS IN THE TANK.

JANET (OFF SCREEN)

Oh. Oh!
  (You fucked up, bitch!)
JANET AND ROCKY STAND UP IN THE TANK, CLUTCHING THE RED SHEET.
  (Mouse-ka-teer Roll Call!)

DR. SCOTT

Janet!

JANET

Doctor Scott!

BRAD

Janet!

JANET

Brad!

FRANK

Rocky!
ROCKY TURNS TO FACE FRANK
  (Bullwinkle!)

DR. SCOTT

Janet!

JANET

Doctor Scott!

BRAD

Janet!

JANET

Brad!

FRANK

Rocky!
ROCKY TURNS TO FACE FRANK
  (Bullwinkle!)

DR. SCOTT

Janet!

JANET

Doctor Scott!

BRAD

Janet!

JANET

Brad!

FRANK

Rocky!
ROCKY TURNS TO FACE FRANK
  (BULLWINKLE!!!!)

FRANK

Listen!
  (SPEAKING LIKE BULLWINKLE.)
I made you, and I can break you just as easily!
  (But not before the Gong show!)
ROCKY IS FRIGHTENED.
MAGENTA HITS A GONG. THEY ALL REACT.

MAGENTA

Master! Dinner is prepared!
  (And we helped!)
FRANK AND ROCKY EXCHANGE A LOOK.

FRANK

  (What's sex like with a donkey?)
Excellent.
  (Magenta: Hurry up, this shit's heavy.)
HE GIVES JANET, WHO IS VIRTUALLY NAKED, A SEARING LOOK.
  (I have nothing to wear.)
Under the circumstances, formal dress shall be optional.
  (Who wants be formal for a circumcision, anyway!) (Toga, Toga, Toga!)
JANET PULLS THE RED CLOTH AROUND HER. FRANK MOVES AWAY; JANET AND ROCKY EXCHANGE GLANCES.

CRIMINOLOGIST (VOICE OVER)

  (Hey, Chucky, what do you shove up your ass?)
Food...

WIPE TO: STUDY

CRIMINOLOGIST

...has always played a vital role in life's rituals.
  (He's masturbating that glass.)
The breaking of bread - the last meal of the condemned man,
  (The slicing of the Meatloaf.)
And now this meal.
  (Exactly!)

WIPE TO: DINING ROOM

DR. SCOTT SITS AT THE END OF THE TABLE. BRAD AND JANET SIT ON THE FAR SIDE; FRANK SITS AT THE OPPOSITE END. ROCKY AND COLUMBIA SIT ON THE NEAR SIDE, BACKS TO CAMERA.

CRIMINOLOGIST (VOICE OVER)

  (How many forks does Dr. Scott have? Count them, virgins!)
However informal it might appear you can be sure there was to be very little... bonhomie.
  (Boner who?)
THEY SIT IN SILENCE AS THE DOUBLE DOORS OPEN.
RIFF RAFF AND MAGENTA ENTER.
  (What are we having for dinner, Riff?) (Last night we had steam. Before that we had steam. If we have steam one more time...)
RIFF RAFF LIFTS THE COVER FROM A LARGE HAUNCH OF MEAT
  (Dammit, steam AGAIN!)
RIFF RAFF PLACES THE TRAY DOWN IN FRONT OF FRANK.
  (Somebody tell Eddie to get his ass of the table!)
FRANK RISES AND MAGENTA HANDS HIM AN ELECTRIC MEAT CARVER. HE BEGINS TO SLICE THE MEAT.
  (Always reach for your Hamilton Beach! It slices, dices, fucks Janet Weiss's, circumsizes, sodomizes, labotomizes, tenderizes, canniblize: Guaranteed to grate, bake, and make good cake; puree, Filet, saute', and flambee'. Guaranteed not to rust, bust, collect dust, makes you brush, will not loose your trust, you can deep fry, stir-fry, country fry, turn you sister bi, will beat your cake, and mix your pies. Makes all good stuff for you to eat, and Damn, does it catch fish! Yeaw!)
MAGENTA AND RIFF RAFF WALK DOWN THE SIDES OF THE TABLE POURING WINE.
  (Rocky's drinking out of a jelly jar. With a name like Fuckers it has to be good.)
  (Hey, Dr. Scott, what kinda wine we having?) ((MAGENTA POURS HIS WINE ACROSS THE TABLE.) Table Wine, my favorite!)
  (Dr. Scott, did you cum on yourself, again? Clean it up.)
  (All sliced up and no place to go, whoa! Chucky!)
FRANK PUTS DOWN KNIFE AND PICKS UP A GLASS.

FRANK

A toast...
  (To Melba! To Cannibalism!)
To absent friends.
  (To Absent Friends!!)

ALL

...to absent friends.

FRANK

And Rocky...
FRANK CLASPES HIS HANDS TOGETHER, PUTS ON A BIRTHDAY HAT AND BEGINS TO SING:
Happy birthday to you...
  (Echo: Happy birthday, fuck you, whoa!)

ALL

Happy birthday to you,
  (Echo: Happy birthday, fuck you, whoa!)
Happy birthday to Rocky
  (Echo: Happy birthday, fuck Rocky...)
Happy birthday to you.
FRANK INTERRUPTS THE SONG.

FRANK

FRANK CLAPS LOUDLY
Shall we...?
RIFF RAFF SERVES THE MEAT TO BRAD
  (Riff sure knows how it swing his meat!)
THEN TO DR. SCOTT.
ROCKY EATS THE MEAT, HELD IN HIS HAND. COLUMBIA SINGALS HIM TO USE HIS FORK.
  (Use a fork! Where do you think this is, Perkins?)
HE PICKS IT UP AND STABS AT THE MEAT ON HIS PLATE.

DR. SCOTT

We came here to discuss Eddie.

COLUMBIA

Eddie!
  (Echo: Sweaty!)
SHE LOOKS OFF SCREEN TO THE SOUND OF THE ELECTRIC CARVER.
  (Shut up, bitch, or you'll be breakfast!) (That bitch is my breakfast.)
FRANK SITS BETWEEN RIFF RAFF AND MAGENTA, HIS HAND ON THE CARVING KNIFE.

COLUMBIA

(GASPS) Oh!
FRANK LOOKS AT SWITCHES OF ELECTRIC KNIFE; LOOKS AT DR. SCOTT

FRANK

That's a rather tender subject.
  (That's a rather bad pun.)
BRAD PAUSES WITH THE FORK TO HIS MOUTH.
  (Brad gets it, Janet gets it)
DR. SCOTT AND COLUMBIA LOOK DOWN AT THEIR PLATES.
  (Dr. Scott suspects it.)
ROCKY KEEPS EATING.
  (Rocky gets it, but he don't care, he'll eat anything.)
Another slice, anyone?
EVERYBODY LOOKS AT THEIR FOOD CAREFULLY.
COLUMBIA RISES.
  (What's a matter, Columbia, you've eaten Eddie before?) (That was tube steak, this is cube steak.) (Watch out for the...)
COLUMBIA EXITS THE ROOM WITH A GASTLEY CRY.
  (Ooops.)
FRANK PUTS KETCHUP ON HIS MEAT.
  (I guess she hates ketchup.)

DR. SCOTT

(TO CAMERA) I knew he was in with a bad crowd, but it was worse than I imagined.
  ((TO DR. SCOTT) Who the fuck are you talking to?)
  ((TO FIRST PERSON) Who the fuck are you talking to?)
Aliens.
  (France, we come from France!)
BRAD AND JANET LOOK AT EACH OTHER, THEN AT DR. SCOTT.

BRAD

Dr. Scott!

FRANK

Go on Dr. Scott - or should I say Dr. Von Scott.
  (Zieg Heil!)
DR. SCOTT GRIPS THE ARMS OF HIS CHAIR.

BRAD (OFF SCREEN)

Just what exactly are you implying?
  (He's a Nazi!)

DR. SCOTT (OFF SCREEN)

It's all right!

BRAD

But Dr. Scott...
DR.SCOTT SILENCES BRAD WITH A GESTURE.

DR. SCOTT

That's all right, Brad.
DR. SCOTT LAUGHS.
  (I feel a song coming on!)
Back to Top
 Eddie's Teddy

SONG STARTS: “EDDIE'S TEDDY”

From the day he was born,
   (LINES IN GERMAN ACCENT: Not the night but the day,)
He was trouble
  (Not Monopoly but Trouble)
He was the thorn,
  (Not the rose, but the thorn)
In his mudder's side
  (Not the front, but the side)
He tried in vain.
  (In the artery and the vain.)

CUT TO: STUDY

CRIMINOLOGIST

But he never caused her nothing but shame.
  (Shame, shame, shame.)

WIPE TO: DINING ROOM

DR. SCOTT

He left home the day she died.
From the day she was gone,
  (Shoo-bop, shoo-bop-bop.)
All he wanted
  (To suck Dr. Scott's cock.)

WIPE TO: STUDY

CLOSE ON DOSSIER; A RECORD ON THE LEFTHAND SIDE; A PORN MAGAZINE ON THE RIGHT.

DR. SCOTT (VOICE OVER)

Was rock n roll porn
  (Shoo-be, doo-be, do wah.)
THE CRIMINOLOGIST TURN THE PAGE TO SHOW PHOTOGRAPHS OF MOTORCYCLES.
Und a motor bike.
  (Ooo-e-oo-oo)
HE TURNS THE PAGE TO A STILL OF EDDIE AS AN ADDICT.

DR. SCOTT

Shooting up junk.

CRIMINOLOGIST

  (What was he, Buttfuck?)
He was a low down cheap little punk.
  (Yay, punk rock!)

WIPE TO: DINING ROOM

DR. SCOTT

Taking everyone for a ride!
  (What do you do when a broomstick is shoved up your ass?)
  (TAKE THE MOP HANDLE AND PUT IT UNDER THE SCREEN SIMULATING THE ABOVE LINE)

DR. SCOTT SITS UP IN HIS CHAIR
When Eddie said...
FRANK SITS BETWEEN RIFF AND MAGENTA. THEY SING; FRANK DOES NOT.

DR. SCOTT AND ALL

...he didn't like his Teddy, you knew he was a no good kid.
  (Echo:...he finger-fucked his teddy you knew he was a no good squid.)
But when he threatened your life with a switch blade knife
  (Echo: But when he threatened your thighs with a dick this size (SIMULATE))

FRANK

What a guy...
  (Echo: What a fag...)
PAN TO JANET

JANET

Makes you cry...
  (Echo: Makes you gag...)
PAN TO DR SCOTT

DR SCOTT

Und I did.

WIPE TO: COLUMBIA'S ROOM

SHE SITS AT HER DRESSING TABLE, A PICTURE OF EDDIE ON THE WALL

COLUMBIA

Everybody shoved him.
  (Everybody sucked him)
I very nearly loved him.
  (I very nearly fucked him)
SHE RISES AND WALKS TO THE PICTURE OF EDDIE ON THE WALL.
I said “Hey, listen to me, stay sane inside insanity!”
  (Echo: Stay deep inside my cavity)
CAMERA TRACKS IN AND PANS WITH HER TO SOFA.. SHE THROWS HERSELF UPON IT IN TEARS.
But he locked the door and threw away the key!
  (Echo: But he pulled it out and came all over me!)

WIPE TO: DINING ROOM

DR. SCOTT

But he must've been drawn
  (With a pencil or a pen.)
Into something.
  (Well, hell, it must've been a pen.)
Making him warn me in a note which reads:

ALL

What's it say? What's it say?
EVERYONE MOVES IN CLOSE TO DR. SCOTT TO GET A LOOK AT THE NOTE.

EDDIE'S VOICE (VOICE OVER)

  “I'M OUT OF MY HED.
  OH HURRY OR I MAY BE DEAD!
  THEY MUSN'T CARRY OUT THEIR EVIL DEEDS.
  LOVE,
  EDDIE”
  (READ ALONG WITH THE NOTE BUT SAY:
  “Darling fascists bully-boy.
  Send me more money, you bastard.
  My the seeds of you loin be fruitful in the belly of you women.
  Love,
  Neil.”)

Yaaa!
BRAD AND JANET LOOK AT ONE ANOTHER AND SING

ALL

When Eddie said he didn't like his Teddy you knew he was a no good kid.
  (Echo: When Eddie said he finger-fucked his Teddy, you knew he was a no good squid.)
ANGLE ON FRANK, WHO IS SITTING BETWEEN RIFF RAFF AND MAGENTA. HE IS NOT SINGING.

DR. SCOTT

Und when he threatened your life with a switch blade knife...
  (And when he threatened your hole with ten foot pole.)

FRANK

What a guy.
  (Echo: What a fag.)

JANET

Makes you cry.
  (Echo: Makes you gag.)
ANGLE ON DR. SCOTT, HOLDING UP A TEDDY BEAR

DR. SCOTT

Und I did.
  (ONE PERSON: I didn't!)

ALL

When Eddie said he didn't like his Teddy you knew he was a no good kid
  (Echo: When Eddie said he finger-fucked his Teddy, you knew he was pretty sick)
DR SCOTT MOVES THE TEDDY ASIDE TO REVEAL HE IS HOLDING A SWITCH BLADE KNIFE IN HIS LEFT HAND.
  (IT LOOKS LIKE A PEN)
But when he threatened your life with a switch blade knife
  (Echo: But when he threatened your life with a ball point pen!)

FRANK

What an awful guy.
  (What the fuck's a “Gocockel heart”?)

ALL

Woe woe woe. Woe oh oh.

JANET

Makes you cry.

ALL

  (What does Fat Albert say?)
Hey Hey Hey.

DR. SCOTT

Und I did.
FRANK RISES, LEAVING MAGENTA AND RIFF RAFF WHISPERING TOGEHTER. MAGENTA LAUGHS.
  (Who's this song about?)

ALL OFF SCREEN

EDDIE.

END SONG

MAGENTA

Ah!
  (How many times do I have to tell you? I fucking hate celery!)
FRANK REACHES FORWARD AND SEIZES THE TABLECLOTH. HE PULLS IT AWAY, REVEALING A GLASS COFFIN CONTAINING THE DECOMPOSED REMAINS OF EDDIE. JANET RUNS OFF SCREEN, SCREAMING.
DR. SCOTT PUSHES HIS CHAIR BACK IN DISGUST.
JANET RUNS BACK INTO THE SCENE AND THROWS HERSELF INTO ROCKY'S ARMS, STILL SCREAMING
FRANK RISES FROM THE TABLE, REMOVES HIS HAT.

FRANK

Oh, Rocky! How could you!
  (It's time for slap that slut, and beat that bitch!)
FRANK GRABS ROCKY AND HURLS HIM AWAY FROM JANET.
Back to Top
Planet Schmanet
FRANK MOVES TO JANET, SLAPS HER. SHE RUNS SCREAMING, AND GOES OFF SCREEN FOLLOWED BY FRANK. BRAD MOVES TO DR. SCOTT, TURNS HIS WHEELCHAIR TO THE OPEN DOOR IN THE BACKGROUND AND PUSHES HIM OUT OF THE DINING ROOM. DR. SCOTT POINTS.

SONG START “Planet Schmanet”

DR. SCOTT

This way...this way...
MAGENTA AND RIFF RAFF LAUGH. RIFF STOPS, MAGENTA CONTINUES.

RIFF RAFF

Shut up!
MAGENTA BARELY CONTAINS HER LAUGHTER.

CUT TO: HALL & STAIRS

JANET RUNS UP THE STAIRS, FOLLOWED BY FRANK. HE CATCHES HER AT THE BOTTOM OF THE SECOND FLIGHT OF STAIRS. HE HOLDS HER AS SHE STRUGGLES.

FRANK

I'll tell you once, I won't tell you twice
You'd better wise up, Janet Weiss.
  (Echo: You'd better get your keys out, virgin types.)
JANET SCREAMS.
Your apple pie, don't taste to nice.
  (Neither did your cherry!)
JANET SCREAMS AGAIN.
You'd better wise up, Janet Weiss.
JANET BREAKS FREE BY KICKING FRANK IN THE GROIN AND RUNS UP STAIRS TOWARD CAMERA.

CUT TO: LIFT - HALL

BRAD AND DR. SCOTT ARE IN THE ELEVATOR. BRAD CLOSES THE GATE AND PRESSES A BUTTON. THE ELEVATOR STARTS TO ASCEND.

CUT TO: CORRIDOR

JANET, SCREAMING, RUNS INTO SCENE FOLLOWED BY FRANK. THEY RUN AROUND THE ELEVATOR SHAFT AS THE ELEVATOR SLOWLY RISES. CAMERA PANS WITHT THEM AS FRANK RUNS UP THE LAST LIGHT OF STAIRS FOLLOWED BY JANET.

FRANK

I've laid the seed,
It should be all you need.
You're as sensual as a pencil,
Wound up like an E or first string.
When we made it, did you hear a bell ring?
  (Echo: When we made it, did you hear the keys jingle?)

CUT TO: LABORATORY

JANET RUNS INTO SCENE AT THE TOP OF THE RAMP, FOLLOWED BY FRANK. CAMERA TRACKS WITH THEM PAST THE ELEVATOR SHAFT AS THE ELEVATOR CONTINUES TO RISE.

FRANK

You've got a block, well, take my advice.
You'd better wise up, Janet Weiss.
JANET TRIPS AND FALLS AT THE TOP OF THE RAMP. CAMERA PANS WITH FRANK TO CONTROL PANEL. BRAD PULLS DR. SCOTT, IN HIS WHEELCHAIR, OUT OF THE ELEVATOR, AND THEY MOVE TO JANET.

FRANK

The Transducer... will seduce you.
FRANK PRESSES THE LEVER DOWN.
JANET PULLS AT HER FEET; SHE CAN'T MOVE THEM. CAMERA TILTS UP TO HER FACE.

JANET

My feet, I can't move my feet!
  (Echo: My shoes, I can't move my cheap white shoes!)
DR. SCOTT TRIES TO MOVE HIS WHEELCHAIR AND FAILS. HE PUTS HIS HANDS TO HIS CHEEKS.

DR.SCOTT

My wheels. My God, I can't move my wheels.
  (Echo: My cheeks! My God, I can't move my cheeks.)
CAMERA TILTS WITH BRAD AS HE BENDS, TRYING TO MOVE HIS FEET, THEN STRAIGHTENS BACK UP.

BRAD

It's as if we were glued to the spot.
  (Echo: And I can't fuck my socks.)

FRANK

You are! So quake with fear, you tiny fools!
JANET STRAIGHTENS UP, PUTS HER HAND TO HER HEAD.

JANET

  (Over act, bitch!)
Oh, we're trapped!

FRANK

It's something you'll get used to, a mental mind fuck can be nice.

JANET

Oh!
CAMERA PANS WITH MAGENTA AS SHE ENTERS THROUGH THE HOLE IN THE WALL, FOLLOWED BY RIFF RAFF, COLUMBIA, AND ROCKY.
  ((COUNTING WITH THEM AS THEY ENTER:) One, two, three, four, next time use the fucking door!)

DR. SCOTT

You won't find Earth people quite the easy mark you imagined.
The sonic transducer; I suppose it's some kind of audio-vibratory, physio-molecular transport device?
  (A vibrator!)

BRAD

You mean...
BRAD PUTS HIS HAND ON DR. SCOTT'S SHOULDER. DR. SCOTT TURNS TO BRAD.

DR. SCOTT

Yes, Brad. It's something we ourselves have been working on for quite sometime.
  (The ultimate vibrator!)
But it seems our friend here has found means of perfecting it.
  (The perfect vibrator.)
A device which is capable of breaking down solid matter then projecting it through space...
  (A sonic vibrator!)
and...who knows...perhaps even time... itself!
  (An H.G. Wells vibrator!)
JANET PUTS HER HAND ON DR. SCOTTS SHOULDER.

JANET

You mean... he's gonna send up to another planet?
FRANK LEAPS TO THE FLOOR AND MOVES TO JANET.

FRANK

PLANET...
SCMANET...
JANET!
You'd better wise up, Janet Weiss.
You better wise up...
FRANK FEELS UP JANET'S THIGHS
Build your thighs up.
You better wise up.

WIPE TO: STUDY

CRIMINOLOGIST

And the she cried out!

WIPE TO: LABORATORY

JANET SCREAMS

JANET

Sto-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-p!
  (Echo: Mo-o-o-re, Fuck me Mo-o-o-re!)
FRANK STUMBLES PAST DR.SCOTT AND BRAD.
AS BRAD STRUGGLES TO GET TO FRANK. FRANK STAGGERS TO RIFF RAFF AND MAGENTA AT THE CONTROL PANEL.
  (Watch out for the hubcap! (SOMETHING CLANGS))

FRANK

Don't get hot and flustered...
CAMERA PANS WITH FRANK AS HE MOVES IN FRONT OF BRAD.
...Use a bit of mustard.

BRAD

You're a hot dog, but you better not try to hurt her, Frank Furter!
  (Echo: You're a bull frog, but you'd better not try to squirt her, with your cheese filled Frank Furter!)
FRANK SIGNALS TO MAGENTA.
MAGENTA FLIPS A SWITCH DOWN AND THEN UP.
INSERT: CLOSE SHOT: “MEDUSA”
BRAD IS CHANGED INTO A STATUE.

DR. SCOTT

You're...
FRANK MOVES AWAY FROM THE STATUE OF BRAD AND STANDS IN FRONT OF DR. SCOTT. HE SIGNALS TO MAGENTA.
...a hot dog, but you'd better not try to hurt her, Frank Furter.
  (Echo:...bull frog, but you'd better not try to squirt her, with a chili-covered, Frank Furter.)
FRANK NODS HIS HEAD. MAGENTA FLIPS THE MEDUSA SWITCH DOWN AND THEN UP.
DR. SCOTT IS NOW A STATUE IN A WHEELCHAIR.

JANET

You're a hot dog...
  (You wouldn't have rhymed anyway!) OR (Shut up, bitch!)
FRANK SIGNALS AGAIN TO MAGENTA. JANET IS NOW A STATUE AS WELL.

END SONG

COLUMBIA

  (Who is Tim Curry?)
My God!
  (Mine too!)
I can't stand any more of this.
  (So, sit down!)
First you spurn me for Eddie,
  (Did she say sperm?)
Then you throw him off like an old overcoat for Rocky. You chew people up and then spit them out again!
  (They lose their flavor.)
I loved you.
  (What did you say?)
Do you hear me? I loved you!
  (You say that to everybody.)
And what did it get me?
  (Laid?)
Yeah, I'll tell you. A big nothing.
  (It was big, but it certainly wasn't nothing,)
You're like a sponge - you take, take, take, and drain others of their love and emotion.
Yeah, well I've had enough!
  (Nipple shot!)
You've got to choose between me and Rocky. So named 'cause the rocks in his head.
  (Holy shit, what a bitch, quick Magenta, hit the switch.)
  (Mighty righty or hefty lefty, which one's bigger? Only the Shadow knows.)   (We can tell which side Eddie slept on!) (Oh, a lefty!)

FRANK NODS HIS HEAD TO MAGENTA: SHE PULLS THE LEVER DOWN AND UP AGAIN.
COLUMBIA IS NOW A STATUE.
FRANK TURNS TO FACE CAMERA.

FRANK

It's not easy having a good time.
  (So bite your finger and talk to your favorite red wall like a good Jewish mother.)
  (Stone him too!)
FRANK NODS AGAIN; ROCKY IS TURNED TO STONE
  (Rocky finally gets hard. You can't take him for “granite” any longer.)
Even smiling makes my face ache.
FRANK WALKS AWAY TO THE RED REFRIGERATOR DOOR.
  (I see a red door and I want to paint it black)
And my children turn on me. Rocky's behaving just the way that Eddie did. Do you think I made a mistake? Splitting his brain between the two of them?

MAGENTA

  (Magenta, what do you have between you legs?)
Augh, I grow weary of this world!
  (Is that legal?)
MAGENTA ENTERS SCENE FOLLOWED BY RIFF RAFF.
When shall we return to Transilvainia, huh?
  (When you learn to pronounce your fucking 'W's.) OR (Ven ve find Moose und Squirrel!)

FRANK

Magenta, I am indeed grateful to both you and your brother Riff Raff. You have both served me well. Loyalty such as yours shall not go... unrewarded. You will discover that when the mood takes me I can be quite... generous.

MAGENTA

  (How much do you charge for a blowjob?)
I ask for nothing, master.

FRANK

And you shall receive it. In abundance!
FRANK GOES TO THE ELEVATOR
  ((IN TIME WITH FRANK'S FOOTSTEPS)Fe, fi, fo, fum, first I jerk it then I...) OR (Yo, ho ho and a bottle of - ) OR (What tastes good on Cornflakes?)
Come! We are ready for the floor show.
  (The whore show.)
FRANK SLAMS THE ELEVATOR GATE
  (Oh, fuck him and his floor show. Let's go have elbow sex over Dr. Scott's stoned impression of E.T. But be careful not to touch him, that would be statue-tory rape.)
RIFF RAFF HOLDS MAGENTA'S HAND UP. CAMERA PANS WITH THEM AS THEY WALK TOWARD DR. SCOTT AS A STATUE.
  (If I knew she was a statue, I wouldn't have raped her!)
THEY RAISE THEIR ARMS OVER HIS HEAD; WALK INTO BACKGROUND AND UP THE RAMP AND EXIT.
  ((JANET HAS A SPOT ON HER ARM) There's a little black spot on my arm today. The same black spot as yesterday.)
Back to Top
The Floorshow

CRIMINOLOGIST (VOICE OVER)

And so, by some extraordinary coincidence...

WIPE TO: STUDY

THE CRIMINOLOGIST SITS AT A TABLE
  (He's got his whole neck, in his hands)

CRIMINOLOGIST

...fate, it seemed, had decided that Brad and Janet should keep their appointment with their friend Dr. Everett Scott...
  (Why does he have a fan on his desk?) (Cause he a really cool dude) (No, he just likes a steady blow.)
But it was to be in a situation which none of them could have foreseen. And just a few hours after announcing her engagement, Brad and Janet had both tasted...
Forbidden fruit.
  (Don't call Frank a fruit, and he's definitely not forbidden.)
That in itself was proof that their host was a man of little morals...
  (Echo: Balls!)
And some persuasion.
  (The gay persuasion!)
What further indignities were they to be subjected to?
And what of the floor show that had been spoken of?
  (Where do you masturbate, Chucky?)
In an empty house.
  (When do you masturbate, Chucky?)
In the middle of the night.
  (Rates are cheaper, Chucky!)
What diabolical...
  (Chicken stepped on your forehead!)
Plan had seized Frank's crazed imagination? What indeed?
  (Can we have a picnic? Please?)
From what had gone before...
  (Please?)
It was clear that this was to be...
  (Pretty Please??)
No picnic.

SONG STARTS: “The Floorshow”

WIPE TO: BALLROOM

STAGE IN BACKGROUND.

BACKSTAGE

  ((WHEN THE MUSIC BEGINS, IN TIME TO THE MUSIC) “Got some change in my pocket going a-ding-a-ling-a-ling...”)
BRAD AS A STATUE, STANDS WITH HIS BACK TO CAMERA. FRANK ENTERS, WEARING A ROBE, HIS HAIR IN CURLERS, AND CLEANSER ON HIS FACE.
FRANK PUTS A BOA AROUND BRAD'S SHOULDERS...
  (“...I call you on the telephone, I give you a ring.”)
...THEN PUSHES A TROLLEY TO ROCKY, CAMERA PANNING WITH HIM.
  (“Each time we talk always the same ole' thing. Always no huggin' no kissin' till I get a wedding ring.”)
FRANK ADJUSTS ROCKY'S COSTUME, THEN MOVES PAST DR.SCOTT TO THE CONTROL BOARD, CAMERA PANNING WITH HIM. HE THEN HITS BUTTONS AND LEVERS HAPHAZARDLY.
  (My honey, my baby)

CUT TO: BALLROOM

THE STAGE LIGHTS GO ON AND THE CURTIANS PART TO REVEAL COLUMBIA, BRAD, JANET, AND ROCKY, ALL STATUES ON STAGE.
  (“Don't put my love on no shelf. She said, 'Don't gimme no lines...'”)
INSERT: FRANK'S HAND IN A RED RUBBER GLOVE PULLS DOWN THE DE-MEDUSA SWITCH.
  (“'...and keep you hands to yourself.'”)
BACK TO SCENE
THE COLUMBIA STATUE COMES TO LIFE

COLUMBIA

  (How was it?)
It was great when it all began
  (What were you bitch?)
I was a regular Frankie fan
  (Echo: ...regular Lesbian.)
But it was over when he had the plan,
To start a working on a muscle man
  (Echo: ...fucking on muscle man.)
Now the only thing that gives me hope
Is my love of a certain dope
  (Echo:...of a smokin' dope)
Rose tint my world and keep me safe from my trouble and pain.
INSERT: FRANK'S HAND PULLS DOWN THE DE-MEDUSA SWITCH, THEN PUSHES IT UP.
BACK TO SCENE
THE ROCKY STATUE COMES TO LIFE.

ROCKY

I'm just seven hours old.
  (And can't dance.)
Truly beautiful to behold.
  (And conceited as fuck)
And somebody should be told
  (About your singing)
My libido hasn't been controlled
And the only thing I've come to trust
  (Is Janet's bust.)
Is an orgasmic rush of lust
  (Echo: Is an orgasm and a rash of lust.)
Rose tint my world and keep me safe from my trouble and pain.
INSERT: FRANK'S HAND PULLS DOWN THE DE-MEDUSA SWITCH, THEN PUSHES IT UP.
BACK TO SCENE.
THE BRAD STATUE COMES TO LIFE.

BRAD

  (What's 2+2?)
It's beyond me
  (What do you say when you are having sex?)
Help me, Mommy.
I'll be good and you'll see
Take this dream away...
  (Echo: Take this boa away from me...)
BRAD SITS DOWN ON THE STAGE AND STICKS HIS LEG UP IN THE AIR.
What's this?
  (A stage.)
Let's see,
  (How do you feel?)
I feel sexy
  (Better feel again)
What's come over me?
  (Frank!)
Here it comes again!
  (Echo: Here he comes again!)
INSERT: FRANK'S HAND PULLS DOWN THE DE-MEDUSA SWITCH, THEN PUSHES IT UP.
BACK TO SCENE
JANET'S STATUE COMES TO LIFE. SHE BEHAVES AS IF PERFORMING IN A BURLESQUE SHOW.

JANET

Oh I...I feel released
  (Echo: I feel real cheap.)
Bad times deceased
My confidence has increased
  (Echo: I vagina size has increased.)
Reality is here
The game has been disbanded
My mind has been expanded
  (Echo: My asshole's been expanded.)
  ((WHEN JANET MOVES THE BOA BETWEEN HER LEGS) What's that smell? Cover it up!)
It's a gas that Frankie has landed
His lust is so sincere.

STAGE

THE VELVET CURTAINS OPEN TO REVEAL THE RKO RADIO PICTURE TOWER AS A STAGE SET.
  (What's an RKO?) (A really kinky orgasm.)
  (What's a radio picture?) (MTV for the blind!)

AT THE TOP OF THE STAIRCASE FRANK APPEARS BATHED IN A SPOTLIGHT.
WE WEARS A DAZZLING VERSION OF THE NATIONAL COSTUME AND A CHIFFON CLOAK WHICH BILLOWS IN THE BREEZE FROM A WIND MACHINE. HE IS REMINISCENT OF A 1930'S FILM STAR.

FRANK

Whatever happened...
  (To fluffy?)
To Fay Wray?
  (She got fucked with a 40 foot ape with a 12 foot dick!) (I've taken 6 feet.)
That delicate, satin-draped, frame.
As it clung...
  (Echo: Stuck)
...to her thigh
  (Like a homesick abortion.) (What's a homesick abortion?) (A Little Caesar's Pizza.) (Thank you, thank you.)
How I started to cry.
'Cause I wanted to be dressed just the same.
  (Kick, kick, kick that dick!)
FRANK KICKS A LEVER. A SECTION OF THE STAGE INFRONT OF HIM RISES UP.
  (The world is getting a hard on and somebody should jack it off!)
AND DESCENDS TOWARDS CAMERA TO PRODUCE A DIVING BOARD. FRANK MOVES FORWARD ONTO THE DIVING BOARD.

FRANK

Give yourself over to absolute pleasure.
  (Repeat: ...over to absolute pleasure.)
Swim the warm waters of sins of the flesh.
  (What are you dreaming about?)
Erotic nightmares...
  (How big is your dick?)
Beyond any measure.
  (What do you have about me?)
And sensual daydreams to treasure forever.
Can't you just see it.
Oh, oh, ho...
SMOKE SURROUNDS FRANK, STILL STANDING ON THE DIVING BOARD. HE THROWS HIS BOA AWAY AND DIVES INTO THE SMOKE, DISAPPEARING.
  (Take that Nestea Iced-tea plunge!)

FRANK

Ahh!

DISSOLVE TO: WIMMING POOL

SHOOTING DOWN ON SMOKE.
  (Waiter, waiter, there's a fag in my soup!) (Shut up, or everyone will want one!)
  (Clear the smoke, Mom's home! Party's over!)
IT CLEARS TO REVEAL FRANK LYING IN A RUBBER RING IN THE POOL.
IN THE BOTTOM OF THE POOL IS MICHALANGLO'S “CREATION OF THE UNIVERSE”
  (It's Michaelanglo's wet dream and God's got his finger up Frank's ass. That's the last time I let a turtle paint my pool!)

FRANK

Don't dream it, be it.
Don't dream it, be it.
  (Watch out for falling cameramen!)
THE CAMERA PANS CLOSER TO FRANK. FRANK IS IN A RUBBER RING THAT SAYS S.S. TITANIC.
  (No wonder the Titanic went down Frank would go down on anything!)
  ((HE HAS HOLES IN HIS FISHNETS) Look what happens to your fishnets when you are on your knees all day!)
Don't dream it, be it.
Don't dream it, be it.
  (Don't drink it, Frank peed in it.)
COLUMBIA AND BRAD TURN TO FACE CAMERA.
  (Someone's making Toll House cookies!)

ALL

Don't dream it,
JANET AND ROCKY WALK FORWARD
be it.
ROCKY AND JANET WALK TO THE END OF THE POOL.
  (Last one in the pool has to be in the sequel!)
  (My money's on Columbia.) (My money's IN Columbia!)

COLUMBIA WALKS TO THE OTHER SIDE OF THE POOL.

ALL

Don't dream it,
FRANK LIES IN THE RING IN THE POOL. ROCKY AND JANET JUMPS IN FROM ONE END; BRAD AND COLUMBIA JUMP IN FROM THE OTHER.

ALL

Be it.
Don't dream it, be it.

CUT TO: DOCTOR SCOTT (STATUE)

Be...
INSERT: THE DE-MEDUSA SWITCH FALLS DOWN
...it.
DR. SCOTT COMES TO LIFE. SMOKES BLOWS ACROSS FRAMES. ALL CONTINUE TO SING IN THE BACKGROUND.

DR. SCOTT

  (How do you get annoying pubic hair outta your throat?)
Ach.
We've got to get...
  (the fuck)
...out of this trap.
  (And into the pool.)

CUT TO: SWIMMING POOL - UNDERWATER

DR. SCOTT (OFF SCREEN)

...before this decadence...
  (Yay, decadence!)
saps our wills.

CUT TO: DR. SCOTT

Ive got to be strong...
  (What do you do when you masturbate?)
...and try to hang on.

CUT TO: SWIMMING POOL - UNDERWATER

DR.SCOTT (OFF SCREEN)

Or else my mind may well...

CUT TO: DR. SCOTT

...snap.
  (Crackle, pop, fuck a marshmallow.) (How do you fuck a marshmallow?) (With a soft-on!)
Und my life, will be lived
DR. SCOTT RAISES HIS LEG
  (Why do you fuck boy scouts?)
For the thri-i-i-i-...
DR. SCOTT PULLS BACK THE RUG FROM HIS RAISED LEG TO REVEAL HE IS WEARING HIGH-HEELED SHOES AND SILK STALKINGS.
...i-ill!

CUT TO: SWIMMING POOL

COLUMBIA AND BRAD ARE KISSING. THEY RAISE UP THEIR HEADS.

BRAD

It's beyond me
Help me, Mommy
  (Shut him up, Columbia!)
COLUMBIA PUSHES BRAD DOWN IN THE POOL AND KISSES HIM. CAMERA PANS TO JANET.

JANET

God Bless Lilly Saint Cyr.

CUT TO: DR. SCOTT

DR. SCOTT FEELS HIS RAISED LEG WITH HIS HAND.

CUT TO: SWIMMING POOL

FRANK IS GETTING OUT OF THE POOL.

FRANK

  (Hey, Frank! Whose pool is this? Say it 13 times!)
My my my my my my my my...
DR. SCOTT, LOWERS HIS LEG.
...my my my my...
FRANK IS IN THE POOL ON ROCKY'S SHOULDERS. FRANK WAVES HIS ARMS ABOUT.
ROCKY, COLUMBIA, BRAD, AND JANET ARE KICKING THE WATER, LEANING AGAINST THE SIDE OF THE POOL.
...my my.
Wild and untamed thing.
I'm a bee with a deadly sting.
You gotta hit and you mind goes ping.
Your heart'll thump and your blood will sing.
So let the party and the sounds rock on.
We're gonna shake it til the life has gone.
FRANK STANDS IN FRONT OF THE RKO RADIO TOWER.
Rose tint my world and keep me safe from my trouble and pain.
FRANKS SPINS AROUND TO FACE THE RADIO TOWER; THEN BACK AROUND TO FACE CAMERA.
  (Beatles roll call!)
ROCKY AND JANET CLIMB OUT OF ONE END OF THE POOL; JANET AND BRAD CLIMB OUT OF THE OTHER END. THEY LINK ARMS AND START TO DANCE.
  (AS THEY GET OUT OF THE POOL:) John, Paul, George, Ringo!)

ALL

We're wild and untamed things.
We're bees with a deadly sting.
DR. SCOTT KICKS HIS LEG UP IN THE AIR.

ALL

You gotta hit and your mind goes ping.

CUT TO: PROSCENIUM STAGE

THE LIGHTS FLASH
THE GROUP DANCES; DR. SCOTT COMES ONTO THE STAGE AND CROSSES BEHIND THE DANCERS, KICKING HIS LEGS IN THE AIR

ALL

Your heart'll thump and your blood will sing.
So let the party and the sounds rock-on.
We're gonna shake it 'til the life has gone.
Rose tint my world and keep me safe from my trouble and pain.
THE GROUP DANCES FORWARD.
  (Run, run run run, run run, jump jump! Daddy mac'll make you, spew chunks!)
We're wild and untamed things.
We're bees with a deadly sting.
You gotta...
DR. SCOTT MOVES IN FRONT OF THE DANCING GROUP.
  (Somebody scratch my balls! Please! Somebody!)
...hit and you mind goes ping.
Your heart'll thump and your blood will sing.
So let the party and it's sounds rock on.
DR. SCOTT EXITS IN HIS WHEELCHAIR
We wanna shake it till the life has gone, gone, gone
Rose tint my world and keep it safe from my trouble and pa...
EVERYONE TWIRLS AROUND.
...i-i-in.

END SONG

THE DOORS TO THE BALLROOM OPEN. RIFF RAFF AND MAGENTA, NOW DRESSED IN MILITARY-STYLE SPACE SUITS, FACE FRANK FROM THE OPPOSITE END OF THE BALLROOM.
RIFF RAFF HAS A RAY GUN.
THE CHARACTERS ON STAGE FREEZE - ASTONISHED.

RIFF RAFF

Frank-n-furter, it's all over!
  (Echo: The movie's almost over!)
Your mission is a failure.
  (Echo: Your blowjobs are a failure.)
COLUMBIA DRAWS CLOSER TO FRANK. HE PUTS HIS HAND UP TO HIS HEAD.
Your lifestyle's too extreme.
  (Echo: You don't swallow my cream.)
ANGLE - RIFF AND MAGENTA
HE LOWERS HIS RAY GUN.
I'm your new commander.
  (Echo: I masturbate my sister.)
RIFF POINTS A FINGER AT FRANK.
You now are my prisoner.
  (You can smell my finger.)
FRANK CROSSES HIS ARMS OVER HIS CHEST. BRAD AND JANET DRAW BACK AWAY FROM HIM.
We return to Transylvania.
RIFF TURNS TO MAGENTA.
Prepare the transit beam!
  (Echo: Magenta, start the car!)
  (Hey, Magenta! There's a car load of lesbians in the parking lot!)
MAGENTA TURNS TO LEAVE
Back to Top
I'm Going Home

FRANK (OFF SCREEN)

Wait!
  (I never got a chance to love you!) OR (What do you say when you get caught fucking a dog?)
MAGENTA STOPS AND TURNS TOWARDS CAMERA.
I can explain.
  (This better be good, last time you got shot.)
RIFF RAFF PICKS UP HIS RAY GUN. MAGENTA MOVES FORWARD TO HIM. RIFF AND MAGENTA LOOK AT EACH OTHER, TOWARDS FRANK.
  ((THEY LOOK LIKE THE PAINTING “AMERICAN GOTHIC”) Green acres is the place to be...)
FRANK TURNS TO COLUMBIA, WHISPERS SOMETHING IN HER EAR.
  (You go fuck with big purple onion.)
SHE RUNS OFF SCREEN.
FRANK TURNS TO ROCKY AND WHISPERS SOMETHING IN HIS EAR.
  (You go stick your thumbs up your ass)
HE RUNS OFF SCREEN.
FRANK TURNS TO THE CAMERA AND SHEILDS HIS FACE WITH HIS HANDS.
  (And I'll stand here and get my shit together!)
  (And God said, “Let there be big purple onions.”)
COLUMBIA TURNS THE SPOTLIGHT ON.
  (...and there where big purple onions!)
ROCKY MOVES TO THE CONTROL PANEL AND BEGINS PRESSING SWITCHES.
  (Just 7 hours old and can already work complicated machinery.)

SONG STARTS: “I'm Going Home”

AS FRANK LOWERS HIS HANDS FROM HIS FACE, THE CURTAIN DROPS BEHIND HIM.
  (And now, for one night, and one night only, Alfalfa Shadow!)

FRANK

On the day I went away

BRAD, JANET, ROCKY, DR. SCOTT, AND VOICES OFF SCREEN

Goodbye...

FRANK

...was all I had to say.

BRAD, JANET, ROCKY, DR. SCOTT, AND VOICES OFF SCREEN

Now I...I...

FRANK

I want to come again, and stay
  (Echo: I want to come, again, and stain.)

BRAD, JANET, ROCKY, DR. SCOTT, AND VOICES OFF SCREEN

Oh my my...

FRANK

  (What do you do when you see a 10 inch penis?)
Smile and that would mean I may...
  (Echo: ...that would mean Frank's gay.)
'Cause I've seen...
  (The Rocky Horror Picture Show)
FRANK WALKS FORWARD AND KICKS ON A CLOUD PROJECTION.
  (Gimme an O!)
Oh!
  (Too. Many. God. Damn. Times.)
BLUE SKY AND CLOUDS APPEAR ON THE CURTIAN AT THE REAR OF THE STAGE. FRANK MOVES TO THE PROJECTED IMAGE.
  (And a color!)
Blue skies.
A SCARF IS THROWN INTO SHOT.
  (Hell of a prop lady!)
FRANK CATCHES IT AND WRAPS IT AROUND HIS NECK.
Through the tears,
in my eyes...
MAGENTA PUTS HER HAND TO HER MOUTH, YAWNING.
  (Fucking critics! I hate fucking critics, Siskel just lies there and Ebert complains and complains and complains.)
And I realize, I'm going home.
  (Pigs in space!)

CUT TO: BALLROOM

RIFF RAFF AND MAGENTA STAND IN THE DOORWAY. WE SEE ROWS OF EMPTY DECK CHAIRS.

BRAD, JANET, ROCKY, DR. SCOTT, AND VOICES OFF SCREEN

I'm going home.
RIFF RAFF AND MAGENTA FADE OUT. A PHANTOM AUDIENCE IN FORMAL EVENING WEAR OF AN EARLIER ERA MATERIALIZES TO FILL THE ROWS OF DECK CHAIRS.
  (Instant audience, just add LSD.)
  (Where do you find RHPS fans?)
Everywhere.
  (How's it been?)
It's been the same.

BRAD, JANET, ROCKY, DR. SCOTT, AND VOICES OFF SCREEN

Feeling...

FRANK

  (What's it like when you piss in a fan?)
Like I'm outside, in the rain.

BRAD, JANET, ROCKY, DR. SCOTT, AND VOICES OFF SCREEN

Wheeling...

FRANK

  (How much are your blowjobs?)
Free to try and find the game

BRAD, JANET, ROCKY, DR. SCOTT, AND VOICES OFF SCREEN

Dealing...

FRANK

FRANK PANTOMIMES DEALING CARDS
  (What are we gonna play?) OR (Hit me! Hit me! I said hit me! Aw, dammit!)
Cards for sorrow, cards for pain.
'Cause I've seen...
  (Brad naked!) OR (The Rocky Horror Picture Show)
Oh!
  (Too. Many. God. Damn. Times.)
Blue skies...
Through the tears, in my eyes
And I realize,
I'm going home.
CAMERA PANS PAST FRANK TO AUDIENCE; THEY START TO RISE FROM THEIR SEATS. FRANK WALKS FORWARD ALONG AN AISLE THROUGH THE AUDIENCE; CAMERA TRACKS BACK WITH HIM.

FRANK, BRAD, JANET, ROCKY, DR. SCOTT, AND VOICES OFF SCREEN

I'm going home.
  (Autograph? Stick of gum?) (How do you autograph a stick of gum?)

FRANK, BRAD, JANET, ROCKY, DR. SCOTT, AND VOICES OFF SCREEN

I'm going home.
AS FRANK REACHES THE SPOTLIGHT HE TURNS; THE LIGHT FLARES INTO THE CAMERA.
  (It's the NBC peacock!)
  (It's female, it's a pea-cunt.)
  (No, it's pissed off, it's a piss-cunt.)

FRANK, BRAD, JANET, ROCKY, DR. SCOTT, AND VOICES OFF SCREEN

(GRAND FINALE)I'm going home.

END SONG

AN OVATION FROM THE AUDIENCE; FRANK RAISES HIS ARMS IN ACKNOWLEDGMENT.

MAGENTA

How sentimental.
  (You heartless bitch!)
FRANK TURNS TO HER, THEN BACK TO CAMERA. CAMERA PANS OVER ROWS OF NOW EMPTY DECK CHAIRS.
  (It's a Tiffany concert, she thinks she's alone now.)
  (No, it's a Milli Vanilli concert, they are going to dub in the audience later.)
  (No, it's a Michael Jackson/Lionel Ritchie concert, they are all in the back beating it all night long.)
  (No, it's a Stevie Wonder concert. SHHH! Don't tell him.)

RIFF RAFF

And also presumptuous of you.
RIFF RAFF AND MAGENTA WALK FORWARD; CAMERS TRACKS BACK WITH THEM.
  (F!)
You see,
  (K! Spells Fuck!)
when I said we were to return to Transylvania,
  (I had a rat in my pocket!)
I referred only to Magenta and myself.
  (Who the fucks Magenter?)
  (MAGENTA: She's my other sister!)

FRANK BEGINS TO BACK AWAY, APPALLED.

RIFF RAFF

I'm sorry if you found my words misleading, but...
  (F!)
...you see
  (K! Spells Butt Fuck!)
You are to remain here.
In spirit anyway.
  (Echo: In film splice, anyway!)
RIFF RAFF POINTS HIS RAY GUN AT FRANK; FRANK BACKS AWAY AND FALLS DOWN ON THE STEPS TO THE STAGE.

DR. SCOTT

Good Heavens, that's a laser!

RIFF RAFF

Yes, Dr. Scott.

RIFF RAFF

A laser capable of emitting a beam of pure anti-matter.
  (Then it doesn't matter.)

BRAD (OFF SCREEN)

You mean, you're going to kill him?

CAMERA PANS TO JANET, BRAD, ROCKY, AND DR. SCOTT

What's his crime?

DR. SCOTT

You saw what became of Eddie. Society must be protected.
  (Fuck society!) (I'm trying!) (I'm leaving!!)

CUT TO: RIFF RAFF & MAGENTA

RIFF RAFF IS STILL POINTING HIS LASER AT FRANK.

RIFF RAFF

Exactly, Dr. Scott. And now, Frank N. Furter.
Your time has come.
  (It's time to come?)
Say goodbye to all of this.
  (Goodbye all of this.)
And hello...
  (Hello!)
...to oblivion!
  (Hi, Oblivion, how's the wife and kids? Your wife, my kids?)
FRANK RAISES HIMSELF TO HIS FULL HEIGHT. JANET RAISES HER HAND TO HER MOUTH.
CLOSE ON MAGENTA'S EYE. SHE RAISES HER EYELIDS.
  (With a blink of an eye,)
CLOSE ON RIFF RAFF'S MOUTH, TWITCHING.
  (And a twitch of the lips,)
  (The first one to scream gets it right between the tits.)

BACK TO SCENE
RIFF RAFF BRING THE RAY GUN UP SO THAT BOTH HANDS ARE NOW ON THE GUN.
COLUMBIA SCREAMS.
RIFF RAFF SPINS AROUND AND FIRES THE RAY GUN.
  (Good shot!)
CAMERA ZOOMS BACK TO REVEAL COLUMBIA AS THE RAY HITS HER, CAMERA TILTS WITH HER AS SHE DROPS DOWN DEAD.

FRANK

  (Get scared, Frank.)
Ahm...
RIFF RAFF RETURNS HIS ATTENTION TO FRANK; POINT THE RAY GUN AGAIN. FRANK BACKS AWAY, BUMPING INTO THE STAGE CURTAIN.
  (Go under the curtain, Frank!)
No! No! No!
HE TURNS AND BEGINS TO CLIMB THE CURTAIN RIFF RAFF FIRES THE RAY GUN, HITTING FRANK ON THE CURTAIN. FRANK SCREAMS AND SLIDES DOWN THE CURTAIN. HIS HEAD HITS THE STAGE AND ROLLS TOWARDS THE CAMERA. HE IS DEAD.
JANET BURIES HER HEAD IN BRAD'S CHEST. DR. SCOTT PUTS HIS HANDS TO HIS FACE.
  (Now I need a white curtain to cover him.)
THE CURTIAN FALLS OVER FRANK'S LIFELESS BODY.
  (Now, Magenta's tampon string.)
  (He'll be fine as long as the rope doesn't fall on him.)
FOLLOWED BY A ROPE WHICH SNAKES DOWN AND COILS ITSELF OVER THE CURTAIN.
  (Oh, well.)
ROCKY MOANS IN ANGUISH.
  (Hell of a time to fall in love with him!)
ROCKY PUSHES BRAD AND JANET ASIDE; CAMERA PANS WITH HIM AS HE CRAWLS TO FRANK'S BODY
  (Don't lift that curtain, there's a boy's choir underneath there!)
AND THROWS THE CURTAIN FROM HIM. ROCKY BREAKS DOWN COMPLETELY. HE CRADLES FRANK'S BODY IN HIS ARMS.
RIFF RAFF CAN STAND NO MORE.
HE FIRES A BLAST OF LASER BEAM AT ROCKY, NOW STANDING WITH FRANK'S BODY IN HIS ARMS.
  (Chest of steel!)
HE'S HIT AGAIN AS HE MOVES TO THE END OF THE SWIMMING POOL.
  (Back of steel!)
AGAIN AS HE WALKS ALONG THE EDGE OF THE POOL
  (Shoulder of steel!)
HE CLIMBS UP TO THE EDGE OF THE RKO TOWER WITH FRANK OVER HIS SHOULDER AND BEGINS TO CLIMB THE TOWER AS RIFF FIRES AGAIN.
  (Transvestite of steel!)
HE MOANS AND SHAKES HIS FIST.
  (Get your hand off my ass! Give it to me!)
ROCKY CONTINUES TO CLIMB AS MORE RAYS HIT THE BODY OF THE TOWER BEGINS TO FALL.
THE TOWER FALLS FORWARD INTO THE SWIMMING POOL.
  (George. George. George of the Jungle. Watch out for that pool!)

CUT TO: UNDERWATER SWIMMING POOL

AS THEY PLUNGE IN.

CUT TO: SWIMMING POOL

ROCKY'S BODY FLOATING IN THE WATER, FACE-DOWN.
  (Waiter, waiter, now there'two fags in my soup!) (Shut up, or everyone will want one!)

CUT TO: MAGENTA & RIFF RAFF

STANDING AT THE OF THE SWIMMING POOL.

BRAD

Good God...

JANET

You've killed them.
MAGENTA HAS FOUND THE ENTIRE SEQUENCE OF EVENTS DISTASTEFUL.

MAGENTA

(TO RIFF RAFF) But I thought you liked them. They liked you.
  (Get paranoid, Riff!)

RIFF RAFF

They didn't like me.
  (Get REAL paranoid, Riff!)
They never liked me.

DR. SCOTT

You did right.
  (Thank you, Captain Kiss ass!)
  (Slowly I turn, inch by inch, millimeter by millimeter, Niagra Falls.)
RIFF RAFF APPROACHES DR. SCOTT WITH LASER.

RIFF RAFF

A decision had to be made.
  (And you fucked up!)

DR. SCOTT

You're okay by me.
DR. SCOTT HOLD OUT HIS HAND TO RIFF RAFF.

RIFF RAFF

Dr. Scott, I'm sorry about your...
  (Lunch? Dinner?)
...nephew.
  (Same thing!)

DR. SCOTT

DR. SCOTT LOWERS HIS HAND
Eddie?
  (No, Penelope!)
Well...yes, well, perhaps it was for the best.
DR. SCOTT LAUGHS, FORCIBLY.

RIFF RAFF

  (Hey, Riff! Who does your hair, Dairy Queen?)
You should leave now, Dr. Scott. While it is still possible.
  (Echo: Pissable.)
We are about to beam the entire house back...
  (Hold back that orgasm Magenta, it's already coming out your ears.)
...to the planet of Transsexual, in the galaxy of Transylvainia.
  (What does g - o spell?)
Go.
  (How about w - o - n for dyslexics?)
Now.
  ((BRAD AND JANET) So what you'lre saying is, we can't use your phone?)
BRAD PUSHES DR. SCOTT IN HIS WHEELCHAIR OFF SCREEN; JANET FOLLOWS. CAMERA TRACKS IN ON MAGENTA AND RIFF RAFF.
ANGLE - FRANK'S BODY FLOATING FACE DOWN IN THE SWIMMING POOL.
MAGENTA LAUGHS OFF SCREEN.
  (It's Tim Curry's audition for the Hunt For the Red October. He tried out for the part of the submarine!)

RIFF RAFF OFF SCREEN

Our noble mission...

CUT TO: MAGENTA & RIFF

...is almost completed, my most beautiful sister.
  (Echo: ...my most fuckable Q-tip.)
And soon we will return to the moon drenched shores of our beloved planet.

MAGENTA

  (It's Magenta's bid for the Oscars. She didn't get it, but she drug Riff's dick 4 feet across the stage before he decided to follow.)
Ah, sweet Transsexual...land of night...
  (You know, at least this movie hasn't had any flashbacks.)
To sing and dance once more to your dark refrains.
To take that ...
  (What do you do when there is dog shit on the left?)
...step to the right...
...ha!
RIFF RAFF AND MAGENTA STEP TO THE RIGHT; FLASHBACK SCENE THE 'TIMEWARP' THREE GUESTS JUMP TO THE RIGHT AS WELL.

RIFF RAFF

But it's the pelvic thrust that really drives you insane.
THE GUESTS BEGIN TO DANCE
  (DAMMIT! Damn flashbacks!)

MAGENTA

And our world will do the time warp again!

CUT TO: CASTLE, OUTSIDE

BRAD AND JANET CARRY DR. SCOTT OUT OF THE CASTLE.
THERE IS A HUGE EXPLOSION. WE SEE THE ENTIRE CASTLE SURROUNDED BY A GIANT BEAM OF LIGHT AND THEN LIFTS INTO SPACE.
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Superheroes / Chuck's Wrap Up

OUTSIDE

THE SCENE IS ARID AND DESSERTED. THERE ARE REMNANTS OF EDDIE'S COFFIN AND BROKEN OBJECTS FROM THE LABORATORY. FROM THE SMOKE LEFT BY THE CASTLE, WE SEE BRAD AND JANET EMERGING, DIRTY AND WORN, CRAWLING ON THE GROUND
THE GROUND IS COMPLETELY COVERED IN SMOKE AND FOG.

SONG STARTS:“Superheroes”

BRAD

I've done a lot
  (Of drugs!)
God knows I've tried
  (Everything!)
To find the truth
I've even lied
  (Echo: I fucked a guy.)
But all I know
Is down inside I'm bleeding.

JANET

And superheroes
  (Stumble, stumble, fall!)
Come to feast
  (Stumble, stumble, fall!)
To taste the flesh
  (Stumble, stumble, fall!)
Not yet deceased
  (Stumble, stumble, SIT!)
And all I know
is still the beast is feeding.
BRAND AND JANET CRAWL AROUND, MOVING TOWARDS EACH OTHER, SEARCHING IN THE SMOKE AND FOG.
  ((When BRAD is on screen) My slut! I can't find my slut!)
  ((When JANET is on screen) My asshole! I can't find my asshole!)
CAMERA PANS TO DR. SCOTT, WHO IS LYING ON HIS BROKEN WHEELCHAIR. HE IS SLOWLY RAISING HIS HANDS TO THE SKY.
  (My bicycle! I can't find my bicycle!)
  GET UP AND PRETEND TO SPIN THE SCREEN WHEN IT STARTS TO SPIN.)
THE CAMERA PANS FROM FACE TO FACE IN A CIRCULAR MOVEMENT GETTING FASTER AND FASTER, SPINNING LIKE A GLOBE, UNTIL:

DISSOLVE TO: STUDY

THE CAMERA HAS SPUN INTO A BLUR BUT FOCUSES ON A SPINNING GLOBE OF THE EARTH ON THE CRIMINOLOGIST'S DESK.
  (Somebody stop the world, I want off!)
THE CRIMINOLOGIST PUTS HIS HAND ON THE GLOBE STOPPING IT.
  (EVERYONE TUMBLE TO THE SIDE AWAY FROM THE SCREEN)
HE IS STANDING OVER HIS LECTERN READING FROM HIS BOOK LIKE A PREACHER IN A PULPIT.

CRIMINOLOGIST

And crawling...
  (Up your ass.)
On the planet's face
  (Echo: On Janet's face.)
  (What are disco people?)
Some insects...
  (Why is your phone bill so high?)
Called the human race.
  (For the last time, Where's your fucking neck?)
Lost in time...
  (And what's your favorite T.V. Show?)
And lost in space.
  (What's this movie missing?)
And meaning.
HE TURNS AND GOES TO THE DOOR OF THE STUDY.
AND SWITCHES OFF THE LIGHT.
  (This movie lacks plot character, good acting, and sing it...)

VOICES (OFF SCREEN)

Meaning.

END SONG

HE LEAVES HIS STUDY, SHUTTING THE DOOR.
IT'S ALMOST DARK IN THE STUDY. ONLY A SINISTER GLOW INSIDE THE GLOBE OF THE EARTH REMAINS.

SONG STARTS &ldqou;REPRISE: SCIENCE FICTION, DOUBLE FEATURE”

ROLL FULL CAST CREDITS.
  (Cast call!)

THE END

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