The Rocky Horror Picture Show

Audience Participation Movie Script


As prepared for the adoring fans of the Memphis, Tennessee Cast known as:

“Absent Friends”

WHITE text is the actual movie script. Orange text is the callback lines!

Note: “Echo” means the lines are spoken OVER the preceding line, not after.
This is an Audience Participation show! Try to keep up!

The Lab
RIFF RAFF AND MAGENTA CLOSE IN ON BRAD AND JANET. THEY REMOVE BRAD AND JANETS WET COAT AND SWEATER. RIFF RAFF RUBS JANETS HAIR WITH A BLOODY TOWEL.

JANET

Thank you.
MAGENTA DUSTS BRAD OFF WITH HER APRON. SHE MOVES BEHIND HIM AND STATRS TO TAKE OFF HIS JACKET.

BRAD

Thank you very much.
JANET THROWS THE BLOODY TOWEL DOWN. RIFF RAFF REACHES AROUND HER WAIST TO HER BELT. SHE HITS HIM ON HIS HANDS.

JANET

Oh! Oh! Oh! Brad!

BRAD

It's all right Janet.
  (Echo: It's all right, Janet!)
MAGENTA IS UNDOING HIS BELT AND FLY
We'll play along now and pull out the aces when the time is right.
MAGENTA PULLS DOWN HIS TROUSERS.

JANET

What? OH!
  (Some aces!)
COLUMBIA COMES FORWARD TO WITNESS THE UNDRESSING. RIFF RAFF TAKES OFF JANET'S DRESS.

COLUMBIA

Oh, Slowly, slowly, it's too nice a job to rush!
  (Yay! Rush!)
COLUMBIA PUTS OUT HER HAND TO BRAD. BRAD HOLDS HIS HAND OUT TO HER AS MAGENTA PULLS HIS SWEATER OVER HIS HEAD.

BRAD

Hi. My name is Brad Majors,
  (Asshole!)
and this is my fiancee, Janet Weiss.
  (Virgin slut!)

JANET

Hmm.
  (Notice Brad's shirt is unbuttoned,)
MAGENTA UNBUTTONS BRAD'S SHIRT
  (and now Magenta's unbuttoning it! Cheap movie!)
(CAST: Cheap audience!)
(AUDIENCE: Cheap cast!)

SHE TAKES IT OFF AND THROWS IT OVER COLUMBIA'S ARM.

BRAD

  (Brad, how do you spell urinate?)
Uh, you are a-?
  (Good enough!)

COLUMBIA

You're very lucky to be invited up to Frank's laboratory. Some people would give their right arm for the privilege.
  (You gave your left tit!)
MAGENTA TAKES OFF HIS T-SHIRT AND THROWS IT TO COLUMBIA.

BRAD

People like you maybe?

COLUMBIA

Huh! I've seen it!
  (What? Your left tit?)
COLUMBIA THROWS THE CLOTHES ON THE FLOOR.

JANET

Huh! Oh!
JANET AND BRAD REACH FOR THEM. BRAD GETS HIS SHOES; MAGENTA PUSHES THEM TOWARDS THE ELEVATOR.

MAGENTA

Come along. The master doesn't like to be kept waiting.
RIFF RAFF STANDS IN THE ELEVATOR BRINKING FROM A BOTTLE. MAGENTA USHERS BRAD AND JANET INTO THE ELEVATOR AFTER COLUMBIA ENTERS.

MAGENTA

  (Magenta, what do you do with an uncomfortable cock?)
Shift it!
  (Riff, what do you do with a 1975 bottle of White Zinfandel?) (Drop it!)
RIFF DROPS THE BOTTLE.
  (Thank you!)
THEY ALL ENTER THE ELEVATOR; RIFF RAFF STEPS INSIDE AFTER THEM. HE SLAMS THE CAGE DOOR, TRAPPING THEM IN THE ELEVATOR. THEY ASCEND.
BRAD AND JANET ARE SQUASHED, ARMS BY THEIR SIDE. THEY STARE STRAIGHT AHEAD.
  (AS THE LIFT RISES: First floor, lighted dildos and cobwebs.)

JANET

(TO COLUMBIA) Is he, um, Frank, I mean - is he your husband?
COLUMBIA LAUGHS.

RIFF RAFF

The master is not yet married, nor do I think he ever will be. We are simply his...
  (sex slaves!)
servants.
  (Second floor darkness, Third floor, ladies lingerie, power tools...)
THE ELEVATOR GRINDS TO A HALT. THEY HAVE ARRIVED AT THE LABORATORY.

CUT TO:

THE LABORATORY LOOKS LIKE SOMETHING BETWEEN A STUDENT OBSEVATION OPERATIONG THEATRE AND A GREEK GYMNASIUM.
IT IS PINK TILED THORUGHT-OUT; FACING THE ELEVATOR ENTRANCE IS A CIRCULAR ENTRANCE AREA CONTAINING A TANK ON PEDISTALS WHICH THOUGH SCREENED AT THIS STAGE WILL BE REVEALED TO CONTAIN THE BODY OF ROCKY SUBMERGED IN CHEMICALS. THE WALL TO ONE SIDE CONTAINES A RAISED DAIS AREA FOR THE GUESTS, AND FACING ONE END OF THE TANK, THE OPERATONAL CONTROLS, MONITOR, AND A GIANT REFRIGERATOR.
A CHANDELIER HANGS ABOVE THE TANK.
ON THE PODIUM IN FRONT OF FRANK'S CHAMBERS, THERE IS A STAND MICROPHONE. NEAR THE PODIUM ARE SOME WEIGHTS. BEHIND THE TANK IS A VAULTING HORSE. THESE ARE WRAPPED IN CEEOPHANE -- ROCKY'S PRESENTS. THE GUESTS ARE WAITING AS THE ELEVATOR ARRIVES.
FRANK, NOW IN A SERGICAL OUTFIT, STANDS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROOM. RIFF RAFF GETS OUT OF THE ELEVATOR FIRST, WITH A GLASS OF CHAMPAGNE WHICH HE HANDS TO FRANK.
  (AS THE ELEVATOR REACHES THE FLOOR: "Good morning Mr. Tyler, going... down?")
RIFF RAFF THEN PULLS OPEN THE DOOR AND LIGHTLY GESTURES.
  (OK, Now, I want sluts first!)
BRAD GESTURES TO JANET.
  (I said I want sluts first!)
JANET TIMIDLY STEPS OUT OF THE ELEVATOR.
  (Assholes second!)
BRAD FOLLOWS.
  (Dr. Frank's ready to do your papsmear, Janet!)
AS THE CAMERA PANS TO FRANK THEN ALONG THE TRASYLVANIAN GUESTS UP ABOVE.
RIFF RAFF WALKS ON UP TO FANK AND MAGENTA AND COLUMBIA LEAVE THE ELEVATOR TO STAND BEHIND BRAD AND JANET.
  (Assorted domestics, third, fourth and fifth.)
BRAD AND JANET ARE TURNING IN A CIRCLE LOOKING AOUND THEMSELVES. SCANING THE CHAMBERS WITH TWO STATUES ON EITHER SIDE.
  (Donnie and Marie, stoned on stage, again!)
RIFF RAFF HOLDS OUT THE GLASS OF CHAMPAGNE TO FRANK
  RIFF: Your cum master.
FRANK: Did you spit in this?! (VIA WEIRD SCIENCE)
RIFF: No!
FRANK: Hey! That's not my pee! (VIA ROCK 'N ROLL HIGH SCHOOL FOREVER)
(Hey, Frank! What color is your left nut?)

FRANK

Magenta.
  (Where do you get your drugs?)
Columbia.
  (Not since Scarface!)
Go and assist Riff Raff.
  (Echo: ... Woof woof!)
  (Why? Can't he get it up himself?)

I will entertain...em...em...
  (Anything with two legs and a crotch; two legs optional.)
FRANK HOLDS OUT HIS HAND AND LAUGHS. BRAD AND JANET STEP FORWARD, BRAD SHAKES FRANKS HAND.

BRAD

Brad Majors.
  (Asshole!)
And this is my fiancee, Janet Vice.

JANET

Weiss.
  (Echo: Weiss!)

BRAD

Weiss.
  (Hey, Frank! Can you speak French?)

FRANK

TAKING JANET'S HAND TO KISS
Enchant'e.
  (What the fuck does that mean?)
JANET GIGGLES AS FRANK CIRCLES THEM.

FRANK

Well, how nice...
  (No, it means big tits!)
and what charming underclothes you both have.
  (They're Rocky-roos!)
But here...Put these on.
  (and take yours off)
They'll make you feel less,
  (Naked.)
um, vulnerable.
  (Same thing.)
THE GUEST IN THE GALLERY LAUGH. JANET AND BRAD BUTTON UP THE COATS.
It's not often we receive visitors here, let alone offer them hospitality   (Echo: Horse-brutality?!)
FRANK SIPS HIS CHAMPAGNE; BRAD MOVES TOWARD HIM.

BRAD

Hospitality? All we wanted to do was use your phone, Goddamnit, a reasonable choice which you've chosen to ignore!

JANET

Brad, don't be ungrateful!

BRAD

Ungrateful?!
BRAD ANGRILY WHIPS OFF HIS GLASSES
  (Super Asshole!)
(and his side-kick pseudo-slut with a Tarantula fucking her face!)
(Stupid Tarantula, I'd fuck her where it counts.)

FRANK

How forceful you are, Brad. Such a perfect specimen of man hood. So...
  (Big!)
Dominant.
A WOMAN IN THE GALLERY TAKES OFF HER DARK GLASSES, RAISES A LORGNETTE.
  (So dominant she needs glasses!)
GUESTS LAUGH

FRANK

You must be awfully proud of him, Janet.
  (Janet, are you Johnny Majors in drag?)

JANET

Well...yes I am.
FRANK LAUGHS.

FRANK

Do you have any tattoos, Brad?
  (How do you tattoo an asshole?) (Inside out with a very small needle.)

BRAD

Certainly not.

FRANK

Oh well...
FRANK TURNS TO JANET. SHE LAUGHS.
How about you?
JANET LAUGHS; RIFF RAFF APPROACHES BEHIND FRANK, LOOMING OVER HIS SHOULDER.

RIFF RAFF

Everything is in readiness master, we merely await your...
  (Blowjob!)
word.
FRANK TAKES ANOTHER DRINK AND HANDS THE GLASS TO RIFF RAFF ALMOST KNOCKING HIM OVER.
  (Hey! Watch the hump, I just had it Dry cleaned!) (How do you dry clean a hump?) (You don't steam press it!)
RIFF RAFF GOES TO THE CONTROL PANEL AND FRANK TO THE PODIUM. FRANK STANDING BETWEEN MAGENTA AND COLUMBIA, WHO BOTH WEAR MASKS, TAKES THE MICROPHONE.
  (Hey, Frank, when's the massive orgy and who's invited?)

FRANK

Tonight, my unconventional conventionists!
GUESTS LAUGH POLITELY
You are to witness a new breakthrough in biochemical research. And paradise is to be mine!
FRANK CLASPS HIS HANDS TOGETHER. MAGENTA AND COLUMBIA CLAP.
  (EVERYBODY CLAP AND SHOUT.)

FRANK

It was strange how it happened.
Suddenly, you get a break. (HE STRETCHES HIS GLOVES AND SNAPS THEM)
  (Time to play snap that rubber!)
All the pieces seem to fit into place.
  (Like heterosexuality.)
How stupid you've been. What a fool. The answer was there all the time.
  (42!)
It took a small accident to make it happen.
  (What happened in the sheets last night?)
An accident!
MAGENTA AND COLUMBIA STEP FORWARD ON EACH SIDE OF HIM PUTTING THEIR HANDS ON HIS SHOULDERS.

MAGENTA & COLUMBIA

An accident.
BRAD AND JANET LOOK AT EACH OTHER THEN BACK TO FRANK.

FRANK

And that's when I discovered the secret. That elusive ingredient...
  (Who give head to Captain Kirk on the Starship Enterprise?)
that spark... that is the breath of life...
  (Are you gonna fuck everyone in the audience tonight?)
Yes!
  (I'm leaving!)
I have that knowledge.
  (What do you hold under your left arm?)
I hold the secret...
  (To life?)
To life
  (Itself?)
Itself!
  (Well, son of a bitch!)
(CLAPPING)
GUEST APPLAUD. JANET STARTS TO APPLAUD.
  (Janet's got the clap!)
BRAD PULLS JANET TAWARD HIM TO STOP HER FROM CLAPPING.
  (Now Brad's got it and it's been used.)
FRANK AS HE MOVES TO THE TANK, FOLLOWED BY MAGENTA AND COLUMBIA.

FRANK

  (F!)
You see,
  (K! Spells 'fuck' for those of you who went to Ole Miss!)
You are fortunate. For tonight is the night.
  (Snap that rubber!)
that my beautiful creature is destined to be born!
  (Echo: to be blown!)
FRANK THROWS HIS ARMS IN THE AIR. EVERYBODY APPLAUDS; THEY WAVE RATTLES, WHISTLE AND CHEER.
  (CHEER, APPLAUD, ECT. AS THE CAMERA PANS DOWN THE TRANSYLVANIANS, NAME OFF: We got Daddy Warbucks, Whoopi Golberg, Nathan Lane, Oprah before the diet...)
MAGENTA, STANDING ON THE FAR END, STOPS CLAPPING.FRANK TURNS TO FACE THE TANK. THE MEN STOP WAVING THEIR RATTLES. A DRUM ROLL BEGINS. MAGENTA AND COLUMBIA BEND DOWN TO THE RED COVERING OVER THE TANK AND BEGIN TO GATHER IT UP.
  (OK, Frank, count to 69 and say something in Japanese that sounds a little bit like blowjob: 67, 68, 69--(START THIS WHEN FRANK TURNS TOWARD THE TANK FOR TIMING)

FRANK

Hoopla!
MAGENTA AND COLUMBIA RAISE THE RED COVER: IT FALLS FROM THE TANK TO REVEAL A BANDAGED FIGURE FLOATING WITHIN. THE GUESTS "OOH" and "AAH" IN ASTONISHMENT
  (Ladies and gentlemen, it's the world's largest, free-floating tampon!)
  (A CAST OR ADIENCE MEMBER TAKES OFF TO THE STAGE-RIGHT AUDIENCE-LEFT ABOUT HALF WAY UP THE ASILE OF THE THEATRE. WHEN FRANK APPEARS ON CAMERA AGAIN, BEGIN DIALOUGE: "Hey, Frank! Point to the coolest person in the theater!")

Throw open the switches on the sonic oscillator.
  (Ocil-late-her? Hell, I didn't even know her!)
RIFF RAFF FLICKS THE SWITCH TO ACTIVATE THE OCILLOSCOPES IN THE PANEL.
And step up the reactor power imput three more points.
  (Echo: three more Doritos!)
RIFF RAFF PRESSES A BUTTON THREE TIMES, THEN BEGINS TO UNWIND A WHEEL
  (I think I can, I think I can, I think I can!)
LIGHTS FLASHING ON AND OFF.

FRANK

Oh!
JANET AND BRAD ARE BATHED IN BRILLIANT LIGHT. JANET RAISES HER ARM TO SHEILD HER EYES. SHE CLINGS TO BRAD. HE LOOKS FROM JANET UP TO THE CHANDELIER AS IT DECENDS.
  (Sex from the vagina's point of view.)

JANET

Oh Brad.

BRAD

It's all right Janet!
  (Bullshit!)
RIFF RAFF CONTINUES TO TURN THE WHEEL AT THE CONTROL PANEL
  (AS STEAM BLOWS OUT OF IT: What's Riff getting all steamed up about?) (He's waiting for dinner!) (Foreshadowing!)(How big do you want the monster's dick to be, Frank?)
FRANK RAISES HIS ARMS UP AND LAUGHS.
  (Sex from the penis's point of view!)
THE LIGHTS FLASH ON AND OFF AS THE CHANDELIER DECENDS TOWARDS THE TANK.
  (It's so big, it's so incredibly huge, gosh we are all impressed down here!)
FRANK CLASPS HIS HAND TOGETHER.   (We're gonna make some soup!)
FRANK LOOKS DOWN INTO THE TANK AND TURNS THE TAPS ON THE CHANDELIER. THEY POUR DIFFERENT COLORED LIQUIDS INTO THE TANK.
  (We're gonna do a little cherry red. A little orangey-orange, some lemony- yellow. Some lime green. A little blue-berry blue. And whatever the fuck flavor indigo is)
(Is it soup yet?)
(No! But it is Rainbow Bright's period!)
(Is it soup, yet?)
(No, but it is a good impression of Ted Bundy.)
(Is it soup, yet?)
(No, but it is the world's largest boner!)
(Well, when the fuck will it be soup?)
(When Riff goes down on the equipment!)

AS FRANK FINISHES UP TURNING ALL THE SPOUTS BACK OFF, RIFF FALLS TO HIS KNEES IN EXHAUSTION.
  (It's Soup!)
INSIDE THE TANK TO FIGURE BEGINS TO MOVE. A HAND COMES UP AND GRIPS THE SIDE OF THE TANK AS THE LIGHS CONTINUE TO FLASH ON AND OFF.
  (Oh, Ha ha ha ha! It's alive! Alive! (VIA FRANKENSTIEN)) (Wrong movie!) (Ooops...)
  (You can tell he's a faggot he's already reaching for the nuts,!) (Ah, screw you!) (Bolt this one down!) (Well, I think a stapler will do just fine!)
JANET PUTS HER HAND UP TO HER FACE AS THE FIGURE STANDS UP IN THE TANK.
  (Ladies and gentlemen, the world's largest tampon stands erect!) (Ladies, don't you wish your tampons could do that?)
FRANK CLIMBS A LADDER AT THE SIDE OF THE TANK; RIFF RAFF CLIMBS THE LADDER AT THE OPPOSITE SIDE.
THE FIGURE TURNS TO FACE THE CAMERA. LIGHTS FLASH ON AND OFF. GUESTS CLAP AND CHEER.
  (Come on Riff, Give the monster a little head!)
RIFF RAFF REMOVES THE BANDAGES FROM THE FIGURE'S FACE AND HEAD TO REVEAL...
  (It'...It'...Ricky Schroder!)
...ROCKY HORROR. GUESTS REACT.

FRANK

Oh, Rocky!
ROCKY MAKES A GROWING NOISE.
  (Silver Spoons!)
AT THE SAME TIME RIFF RAFF IS DOWN THE LADDER MAKING FOR THE HANDLE ON THE CONTROL PANEL.
ROCKY HORROR WITH HIS HEAD UNBANDAGED, IS HANGING ONTO THE CHANDELIER WHICH RIFF RAFF IS WINDING UPWARDS.
Back to Top
The Sword of Damocles / Charles Atlas

SONG STARTS: “Sword of Damocles”

ROCKY

The sword of Damocles is hanging over my head.
  (Looks like multi-colored nipples to me!)
And I got the feeling someone's gonna be cutting the thread.
  (Echo: giving me head!)
  (Riff is sure getting a kick out of this!)
FRANK RUNS DOWN THE LADDER AND KICKS RIFF RAFF. RIFF RAFF SPRAWLS IN THE FLOOR.
Oh, woe is me, my life is a misery
  (I'm going through puberty.)
RIFF RAFF GETS UP OFF THE FLOOR. HE MOVES TO THE CONTROL PANEL AND TURNS THE WHEEL AS FRANK CLIMBS UP LADDER ON END OF TANK.
ROCKY HANGS FROM THE CHANDELIER AS IT BEGINS TO DECEND.
Oh, can't you see that I'm at the start...
ROCKY LANDS AT THE EDGE OF THE TANK
...of a pretty big downer.
  (Echo:...big boner!)
AS ROCKY GETS LEVEL WITH HIM, FRANK LUNGES FOR HIM. ROCKY SIMULTANEOUSLY ABANDONS THE CHANDELIER, LANDS BETWEEN MAGENTA AND COLUMBIA WHO START TO UNDO THE BANDAGES ON HIS ARMS. FRANK LANDS IN THE TANK.
I woke up this morning with a start when I fell outta bed!
  (Echo:...and I got myself a beer!)

GUESTS

That ain't no crime!
COLUMBIA AND MAGENTA KNEEL AND START TO UNDO THE BANDAGES FROM ROCKY'S LEGS.
  (Be careful with those scissors, you might make rocky a rockette!)

ROCKY

And left from my dreaming was a feeling of unnameable dread.

GUESTS

That ain't no crime!

ROCKY

My high is low.
I'm dressed up with no place to go.
  (Echo: I'm fucked up with no one to blow!)
COLUMBIA RISES AND STARTS TO UNDO THE BANDAGES ON ROCKY'S CHEST.

ROCKY

And all I know is I'm at the start of a pretty big downer!
  (Echo: ...somebody better get this faggot off me!)
COLUMBIA HOLDS ONE END THE BANDAGE ROCKY SPINS AWAY TO UNDO THE CHEST WRAPPING.

GUESTS

Sha la la la, That ain't no crime.

ROCKY

Oh no, no, no.
AS ROCKY SPINS AWAY UNDOING THE CHEST BANDAGES AS HE GOES, FRANK ENTERS SITTING ATOP RIFF RAFF'S SHOULDERS -- THEY FALL DOWN.

GUESTS

Sha la la la, that ain't no crime.

ROCKY

Oh no, no, no.

GUESTS

Sha la la la, that ain't no crime - that ain't no crime!
ROCKY IS NOW UNBANDAGED. HE STRIKES A POSE, THEN MAKES A CIRCUIT OF THE GUESTS.

ROCKY

(SINGS TO FIRST GROUP OF GUESTS) The sword of Damocles is hanging over my head!

GUESTS

That aint no crime.

ROCKY

(TO SECOND GROUP OF GUESTS) And I've got the feeling someone's going to be cutting the thread.
FRANK CLIMBS THE RAMP TO CAMERA.

GUESTS

That ain't no crime.

ROCKY

(TO THIRD GROUP OF GUESTS) Oh, woe is me - my life is a mystery.
ROCKY GOES DOWN ON ONE KNEE TO THE GUESTS. FRANK KISSES HIS FOOT.
  (Franks got a foot fetish!)

ROCKY

And, can't you see, that I'm at the start of a pretty big downer!
ROCKY SETS OFF AT A RUN AS FRANK LOOMS UP AGAIN, SHAKES HIS FIST AT HIM AND FALLS DOWN.

GUESTS

Sha la la la, that ain't no crime.
FRANK ENTERS SHOT AND CROSSES LAB AT A RUN, SCREAMING.
COLUMBIA, RIFF RAFF, AND MAGENTA DANCE BY THE SIDE OF THE TANK.
  (One, Two, loose those thighs! Three for dance that jive. Five, six shake them tits. Seven, eight nine months late...)

GUESTS, RIFF RAFF, MAGENTA, AND COUMBIA

Sha la la la
FRANK CHASES ROCKY UP THE RAMP. CAMERA PANS WITH THEM.
  (It's Friday night drag racing, Rocky in the lead!)

GUESTS

Sha la la la, that ain't no crime.

ROCKY

No, no, no, no.
CAMERA PANS WITH FRANK AS HE RUNS PAST THE GUESTS.

GUESTS

Sha la la la, that ain't no crime.

GUESTS, COLUMBIA, MAGENTA, AND RIFF RAFF

That ain't no crime.

GUESTS

Sha la la la, that ain't no crime.
ROCKY RUNS TAWARD CAMERA AND OVER IT. FRANK RUNS TOWARD CAMERA AND FALLS DOWN.

ROCKY

No, no, no, no.

GUESTS

Sha la la la, that ain't no crime.
ROCKY CLIMBS UP THE LADDER AT THE END OF THE TANK. FRANK, LYING, ON THE RAMP, GETS UP AND MOVES TOWARD ROCKY.

ROCKY

No, no.

GUESTS

Ooh. Sha la la...

END SONG

FRANK

Well, really!
  (No, It was fiction!)
And that's no way to behave on your first day out!
  (No, it was a night in!)
ROCKY LOOKS HURT. FRANK CLASPS HIS LEG.
  (Look at his crotch and forgive him.)

FRANK

Oh, Well, but, hmm. Since you're such an exceptional beauty...
  (Are you gonna forgive him?)
I'm prepared to forgive you.
  (Hey, Rocky, show us how you beat off!) (Don't forget the twist!)
COLUMBIA AND MAGENTA TAKE OFF THEIR APRONS AND THROW THEM INTO THE TANK. RIFF RAFF AND MAGENTA MOVE TO STAND NEAR FRANK AT THE TANK. COLUMBIA CLIMBS UP THE LADDER AT THE SIDE OF THE TANK.

FRANK

Oh, I just love success!
  (You like anything that starts with suck and ends with sex!)

RIFF RAFF

He is a credit to your genius Master.

FRANK

Yes.

MAGENTA

A triumph of your vill.
FRANK

Yes!

COLUMBIA

He's okay.
  (Oh, you done fucked up now...)

FRANK

Okay?
  (How many times do I have to tell you to get your little bitty-)
FRANK BANGS HIS FIST ON THE TANK.
  (titties off my tank!)
I think we can do better than that!
ROCKY CLIMBS DOWN FROM THE TANK.
Come on.
  (Why don't you go ask asshole and tighthole, Bill and Hillary, Nicole and O.J...)
Well, Brad and Janet. What do you think of him?

JANET

(LOOKS TO BRAD)
  (Lie through your teeth, bitch!)
I don't like men with too many muscles.
  (Just one big one!)
GUESTS LAUGH

FRANK

I didn't make him for you!
  (She gets him anyway!)
JANET GASPS. FRANK TAKES ROCKY'S HAND AND LEADS HIM AWAY.
He carries the Charles Atlas seal of approval!
  (BARK LIKE A SEAL AND CLAP)
IN THE GALLERY, THE GUESTS APPLAUD. FRANK PULLS A RED CLOTH FROM A STAND BEARING A SET OF WEIGHTS. ROCKY LOOKS DOWN AT THE WEIGHTS, THEN UP AT FRANK.

SONG STARTS: “I CAN MAKE YOU A MAN”

FRANK

  (Describe Dubya!) (A dumbbell?)
A weakling
  (Same thing.)
(How much do your balls weigh?)

Weighing ninety-eight pounds
  (Survey says, "BUZZZZ!")
Will get sand in his face, when kicked in the groin.
  (Echo: ...Kicked in the balls.)
ROCKY LAUGHS.
And soon in the gym, with a determine chin...
FRANK CHUCKS ROCKY'S CHIN; ROCKY TAKES A CARD FROM THE STAND AND LOOKS AT IT.
the sweat from his pores...
  (Echo: ...the sweat from his balls.)
  (He's only an hour old he can't read yet!)

THE CARD IN ROCKY'S HAND READS "HAPPY BIRTHDAY ROCKY."
  (Great! Now he'll think his first name is Happy...)
As he works for his ca-hau-hau-use.
HE PICKS UP TWO SMALL WEIGHTS AND HANDS THEM TO ROCKY.
We'll make him glisten
  (Transvestites use Crest?)
And Gleam
ROCKY LOOKS DOWN AT THE WEIGHTS IN HIS HANDS.
  (Look! It's three dumbbells in one shot.)
FRANK PUTS HIS HANDS OUT TO ROCKY.
And with massage, and just a little bit of stea-e-eam...
ROCKY RAISES THE WEIGHTS ABOVE HIS HEAD. FRANK'S HAND TRACES THE LINE DOWN ROCKY'S BODY.
  (Go for the gold! Touch it! Touch it!)
ROCKY PUMPS THE WEIGHTS UP AND DOWN. JUST AS FRANK'S FINGER NEARS ROCKY'S GOLDEN TRUNKS HE STOPS, LAUGHS, AND STANDS UPRIGHT.
  (Missed it, missed it, now you gotta kiss it!)
He'll be pink   (Tap, Tap.)
and quite clean.
FRANK MOVES FORWARD AS ROCKY CONTINUES TO PUMP THE WEIGHTS UP AND DOWN.
He'll be a strong man
  (What do Irish bees make?)
Oh honey! But the wrong man!
  (Who will he eat?)
FRANK PULLS A TROLLEY CART FROM THE FAR SIDE OF THE ELEVATOR.
He'll eat nutritious,
  (Who's she?)
High protein
  (I've had her.)
And swallow raw eggs.
  (Echo:... raw cum)
FRANK WIPES THE CLOTH OF THE TROLLEY, REVEALING A GYM HORSE. ROCKY RUNS INTO SCENE AND SITS ON THE HORSE. COULMBIA MOVES IN BEHIND HIM.
Try to build up his shoulders, chest, arms, and
  (Favorite part of the chicken?)
legs. Such an effort, if he only knew of my plan.
FRANK TURNS AWAY TO FACE GUESTS IN GALLERY. COLUMBIA BEGINS RUBBING OIL ON ROCKY, STILL SITTING ON THE HORSE.
In just seven days!
  (Or one operation)

GUESTS, RIFF RAFF, MAGENTA, COLUMBIA, amp; FRANK

I can make you a ma-a-an!
  (Echo: I can make you a fag, just like your dad.)
ROCKY GETS OFF THE HORSE AND LIES ON THE FLOOR TO DO PUSH-UPS.

FRANK

  (Rocky found a hole in the floor)
He'll do press-ups
  (Rocky made a hole in the floor.)
And Chin-ups,
  (Rocky is a hole in the floor!)
Do the snatch
  (Echo: Snatch - Uh, uh, You said snatch.)
Clean and jerk.
FRANK JUMPS ONTO THE HORSE AND DOES EXCERCIZES. ROCKY GETS UP OFF THE FLOOR.
He thinks dynamic tension... must be hard work.
Such strenuous living, I just don't understand.
When, in just seven days   (And seven nights!)
Oh, baby...
FRANK PUSHES THE HORSE OUT OF THE SHOT AND PULLS ROCKY TOWARD THE RED REFRIGERATOR
I can make you a ma-a-a-a-an!
(LAUGHS)

END SONG

(LOUD BEEPING NOISE)
  (Oh, my God, Holy Shit!) (You just sank my battleship!)
Back to Top
Hot Patootie
THE LARGE REFRIGERATION UNIT DOOR SLOWLY OPENS, FALLING LIKE A DRAWBRIDGE.

FRANK

Aaaahhh!
MAGENTA AND COLUMBIA GUIDE JANET AND BRAD OFF SCREEN. THE REFRIGERATOR DOOR FALLS DOWN. GUEST IN THE GALLERY SCREAM.

COLUMBIA

Eddie!
COLUMBIA RUNS TO THE LADDER NEXT TO THE REFRIGERATOR DOOR.
INSIDE IS A WALL OF ICE. THROUGH THIS BUSTS AN ICY EDDIE RIDING A MOTORCYCLE, EX WORLD WAR II; HE CARRIES A SAXOPHONE.
GUESTS IN THE GALLERY SCREAM AS EDDIE RIDES FORWARD, ICE FALLING FROM HIM.
  (Kick stand down!)
HE PUTS THE KICKSTAND DOWN

SONG STARTS: “Hot Patootie”

  (Glasses to the left,)
TAKES OFF HIS GOGGLES
  (Helmet to the right,)
AND HELMET AND THROWS THEM TO THE GROUND.
  (Now spin around and scream.)

EDDIE

SPINS
Ooh!
COLUMBIA STANDS SMILING AT THE LADDER.
Whatever happened to Saturday night?
  (Sunday morning!)
When you dressed up sharp and you felt all right
It don't seem the same since cosmic light
  (Echo: ...the same since Belushi died.)
came into my life and I thought I was divine.
  (You thought you were a dead, fat, Drag Queen?)
I used to go for a ride with a chick who'd go
  (Echo: ...I used to fuck around with Jack Custo,)
EDDIE BECKONS TO COLUMBIA. HE PICKS HER UP AND SWINGS HER ONTO THE MOTORCYCLE.
And listen to the music on the radio.
A saxophone was blowing on a rock n roll show
We climbed in the back seat, we really had a good time!
EDDIE HOLD HIS HAND OUT TO COLUMBIA, COLUMBIA KISSES HIS HAND AND CLINGS TO HIS ARM

ALL

Hot patootie, bless my soul,
  (Echo: Roll a doobie, smoke a bowl!)
I really love that rock and roll!
  (Echo: Sex, drugs, and Rock and roll!)
EDDIE PULLS COLUMBIA OFF THE BIKE AND THEY DANCE
Hot patootie, bless my soul, I really love that rock and roll!
  (cho: Roll a doobie smoke a bowl, Anal sex is birth control!)
THE GUESTS IN THE GALLERY DANCE.
Hot patootie, bless my soul...
  (Echo: Roll a doobie smoke a bowl,)
I really love that rock and roll!
  (Echo: This shit is getting old.)
Hot patootie bless my soul, I really love that rock and roll!
  (Echo: Roll a doobie, smoke a bowl, this shit's gettin old.)
EDDIE SPINS AWAY COLUMBIA, PULLS AROUND HIS SAXOPHONE, AND PLAYS A SOLO
  (AT EDDIE'S LAST STANZA OF HIS MUSIC AS HE KICKS SAY, "Eat! Shit! And! Die!)

GUESTS

Lovely party.
EDDIE WALKS TOWARDS JANET AND BRAD.

EDDIE

My head it used to swim with the perfume I smelled
My hands kinda fumbled with her...
  (AS EDDIE WALKS BY BRAD AND JANET SAY: "Give your horn to the asshole, (HE HANDS IT TO BRAD) now he's a horny asshole,)
...white plastic belt
I'd taste her baby pink lipstick and that's when I'd melt
She'd whisper I my ear tonight she really was m-ine
  (AS EDDIE STOPS AT COLUMBIA, SCREAM, "Hey, Eddie!" HE'lL TURN AROUND THEN BACK COLUMBIA, AGAIN SCREAM, "Eddie!")
Get back in front, put some hair oil on
Buddy Holly was singing his very last song
Put your arms around your girl you try and sing along
It felt pretty good, WOO! really had a good ti-ime!
HE TURNS TO COLUMBIA WHO JUMPS ON HIM. GUESTS ARE STILL DANCING

ALL

Hot patootie, bless my soul, I really love that rock and roll!
  (Echo: Baked potatoes give me gas, come on Eddie kiss my ass)
EDDIE LIES ON TOP OF COLUMBIA ON THE FLOOR. HE SITS UP, SHE HANGS ONTO HIS SCARF.
Hot patootie, bless my soul,
  (Echo: His shit is hot and piss is cold,)
COLUMBIA PULLS EDDIE DOWN ON TOP OF HER.
RIFF RAFF AND MAGENTA DANCE IN THE REFRIGERATOR.
I really love that rock and roll!
  (Echo: Eddie's dick is growing mold.)
ROCKY DANCES; FRANK WATCHES HIM.
Hot patootie, bless my soul,
  (Echo: Roll a doobie, smoke a bowl,)
EDDIE RISES; COLUMBIA PUSHES HIM DOWN AND ROLLS ON TOP OF HIM.
I really love that rock and roll!
  (Echo: This song is really old.)
  (AS THE GUESTS DANCE, DANCE ALONG RECITING, "Step, step, step kick, step, step, step, kick-step, kick, step, kick,-kick, kick, kick, kick.")
EDDIE BREAKS AWAY FROM COLUMBIA. COLUMBIA WHINES IN PROTEST
FRANK PUSHES ROCKY INTO THE ELEVATOR AND CLOSES THE GATE.
EDDIE KICKS DOWN THE MOTORCYCLE'S STARTER.

ALL

Hot patootie...
CLOSE ON EDDIE'S HAND WITH THE WORD "LOVE" TATTOOED ON HIS FINGERS, PULLS UP THE CLUTCH.
  (I Love motorcycles.)
ANGLE - TWO GUESTS DANCING ON THE RAMP. ANGLE ON OTHER HAND, THE WORD "HATE"
  (I hate pedestrians!)
I really love that rock n roll!
Hot Patootie, I really love that rock n roll!
  (IN RESPONSE TO THE BACK OF EDDIE'S VEST) - "Oh, baby!")
THE GUESTS ON THE RAMP REACT AS EDDIE RIDES PAST THEM.
  (Run, Daddy Warbucks, Run!)
Hot patootie,
EDDIE RIDES HIS BIKE UP THE RAMP AND INTO THE GALLERY; CAMERA PANS WITH HIM.
I really love that rock n roll!
GUESTS MOVE OUT OF EDDIE'S PATH AS HE RIDES ALONG THE GALLERY.
Hot patootie, I really love that rock n roll
Hot...
FRANK MOVES INTO THE REFRIGERATOR AND STOPS RIFF RAFF AND MAGENTA DANCING. THEY MOVE FORWARD OUT OF THE REFRIGERATOR.
  (Ah, we never have any fun.)
...Patootie, I...
EDDIE RIDES HIS BIKE UP THE RAMP AND INTO THE GALLERY.
...really love that rock n roll!
Hot patootie,
RIFF AND MAGENTA STAND AT THE ENTRANCE TO THE REFRIGERATOR. FRANK WALKS FORWARD TO THEM.
  (Looks like Meatloaf for dinner tonight, guys!)
...I really love that rock n roll!
ROCKY, IN THE ELEVATOR, RATTLES THE GATE.
Hot patootie...
EDDIE RIDES HIS BIKE INTO SCENE AND STOPS. COLUMBIA RUNS TOWARD HIM; HE GETS OFF THE BIKE, PICKS HER UP AND SWINGS HER INTO THE SADDLE.
  (Columbia really likes that big hog between her legs. She likes the bike, too!)
I really love that rock n roll!
Hot patootie, I really love...
FRANK HE WALKS FORWARD PAST MAGENTA AND RIFF RAFF.
...that rock n roo...
COLUMBIA SEES EDDIE AND MOVES AWAY.
...ahoul!

END SONG

FRANK MOVES FORWARD, AND ICE-PICK RAISED. PEOPLE SCREAM.
COLUMBIA PUTS HER HAND TO HER FACE AND SCREAMS.
  (You had to ruin my party! And you better not bleed on my furniture!)
EDDIE AS HE BACKS AWAY TOWARD THE REFRIGERATOR. HE TURNS, CONTINUING TOWARDS THE REFRIGERATOR. EDDIE STARTS TO SCREAM.
FRANK STRIKES DOWN WITH THE ICE-PICK; RIFF RAFF AND MAGENTA STANDING NEARBY.
EDDIE GETS UP AND MOVES INTO THE REFRIGERATOR AND SCREAMS
FRANK MOVES FOREARD INTO SMOKE.
COLUMBIA SCREAMS AGAIN; PUTS HER HANDS UP TO HER FACE.
  (CHANT: His name is Robert Paulson)
THERE'S A TRICKLE OF BLOOD ON THE FLOOR BETWEEN RIFF RAFF AND MAGENTA'S LEGS.
  (Next time use a tampon!)
FRANK STUMBLES FORWARD TO THE ENTRANCE OF THE REFRIGERATOR FROM INSIDE
  (Get the fuck outta my freezer, part six, subtitled what do you say when you fuck a banker!?)
STOPS AND DROPS THE ICE-PICK.

FRANK

One from the vaults.
  (A greaser from the freezer, like a bat out of Hell!)
HE TRIES TO REMOVE THE BLOOD-STAINED RUBBER GLOVES; MAGENTA HELPS PULL THEM OFF.
  (Give them to Magenta, she knows what to do with bloody rubbers!)
  (MAGENTA: Yeah! Make tea bags for Vampires!)
ROCKY RATTLES THE GATE IN THE ELEVATOR.

FRANK

Oh, Baby!
FRANK STANDS BETWEEN RIFF RAFF AND MAGENTA MOVES FORWARD. FRANK MOVES OFFSCREEN REVLING EDDIE'S BODY LYING ON THE FLOOR AT THE BACK OF THE REFRIGERATOR. ROCKY RATTLES THE GATE TO THE ELEVATOR AGAIN
  (I'm upset, I'm upset!)
FRANK GOES TO THE ELEVATOR, OPENS THE GATE, THEN LEANS AGAINST THE ELEVATOR.

FRANK

Don't be upset.   (What did O.J say?)
It was a mercy killing.
  (Mercy, mercy, mercy!)
He had a certain... naïve charm, but no muscle.
  (Echo: Meuslix. Show him your Meuslix!)
ROCKY FLEXES HIS ARM AND PUTS IT ON FRANK'S SHOULDER.
Ohhh!
FRANK WALKS FORWARD THROUGH THE LINE OF TRANSYLVANIANS THAT HAVE REASSEMBLED ON THE FLOOR.
  (What are we having for dinner? Steam again?)

SONG STARTS:“Charles Atlas (Reprise)”

FRANK SINGS
But a deltoid, and a bicep.
FRANK MOVES FORWARD AND FLEXES HIS RIGHT ARM AND FEELS HIS MUSCLE.
ROCKY STARTS TO FLEX AS THOUGH HE IS LIFTING WEIGHTS, ALTERNATING ARMS.
  (Uh, uh...he said said 'Bi.')
A hot groin, and a tricep, makes me ooooh...
MAGENTA MOVES INTO SCENE.
  (Echo: A cunt groin...)
FRANK CROUCHES DOWN THE STANDS.
  (Wanna fuck a midget!)
...Shake!...
  (Is that with ice cream?)
RIFF RAFF ENTERS SCENE AND FOLLOWS FRANK.
Makes me wanna take Charles Atlas by the ha...aa...nd.
  (Echo:...by the Balls.)

FRANK & ALL

In just even days - Oh baby!
  (That's just a week!)
FRANK HOLDS OUT HIS ARMS AND MAGENTA AND RIFF RAFF TAKE OFF HIS SURGEON'S GOWN.

FRANK

I can make you a ma-ha-ha-ha-han.
FRANK STRUTS TOWARDS ROCKY, KICKING BACKWARDS. ROCKY CONTINUES TO FLEX.
  (WITH THE BEAT MEMEBERS YELL BACK AND FORTH: "Slut. Bitch. Slut. Bitch. Slut. Bitch. Slut. Bitch!")
I don't want no dissension, just dynamic tension.

JANET

  (Sing it bitch!)
I'm a muscle fa-han!
FRANK SPINS TO GLARE AT JANET. BRAD LOOKS AT JANET, APPALLED SHE IS PARTICIPATING.

FRANK & GUESTS

In just seven days, I can make you a ma-ha-ha-ha-han!
FRANK PULLS ROCKY TO THE STAND.
  (What do necrophiliacs do?)

FRANK

Dig it. If you ca-ha-ha-an.

FRANK & GUESTS

In just seven days, I can make you a maaaaa...
CURTAINS IN BACKGROUND DRAW OPEN TO REVEAL BRIDAL CHAMBER.
...aan.
FRAND AND ROCKY, ARMS INTERTWINED, WALK FORWARD BETWEEN TWO LINES OF GUESTS WHO THROW CONFETTI AT THEM.

GUESTS

Rocky and Frank, rah rah rah!
Rocky and Frank, rah rah rah!
Rocky and Frank, rah rah rah!
Rocky and Frank, rah rah rah!

END SONG

AS ROCKY AND FRANK ENTER THE BRIDAL CHAMBER THE CURTAINS BEGIN TO CLOSE. JUST BEFORE THEY DO, FRANK JUMPS INTO ROCKY'S ARMS.
Back to Top
Janet and Brad in Bed

WIPE TO: STUDY

THE CRIMINOLOGIST SITS AT HIS DESK.

CRIMINOLOGIST

  (I say that life is an illusion and that reality is just a figment of the imagination.)
There are those who say that life is an illusion, and that reality is just a figment of the imagination.
  (Like your fucking neck!)
If this is so, then Brad and Janet are quite safe.
  (Unlike your fucking neck!)
However, the sudden departure of their host
  (And his neck.) (...and his creation...) (And it's neck!)
...into the seclusion of his somber bridal suite,
  (Echo (LOUDLY):...sweet!)
...has left them feeling both apprehensive and uneasy.
A feeling which grew,
  (Echo (LOUDLY):...grew!)
as the other guests departed and they were shown to their separate rooms.
  (Echo: ...to their separate Negligees.)

WIPE TO: JANET'S ROOM

  (Red's for sluts. Watch out for the slut eating basin! (JAWS THEME) (SCREAM!))
THE DOOR OPENS AND JANET IS PUSHED INTO THE ROOM BY COLUMBIA. SHE THROWS A KIMONO TO JANET AND EXITS, CLOSING THE DOOR BEHIND HER.

CUT TO: LABORATORY

MAGENTA AND RIFF RAFF WATCH A T.V MONITOR WITH STATIC SHOWING JANET IN HER ROOM.
  (He sees you when your sleeping, he knows when your awake. He knows if you've been fucking good and when you masturbate.)

MAGENTA

Oh ho ho.
JANET PUTS ON THE KIMONO.

CUT TO: BRAD'S ROOM

  (Same room, different color, cheap movie!) (Cheap audience!)
THE DOOR OPENS AND BRAD IS PUSHED INTO THE ROOM BY COLUMBIA. SHE THROWS A KIMONO TO HIM AND EXITS, CLOSING THE DOOR AFTER HER. BRAD LOOKS DOWN AT THE KIMONO.

CUT TO: LABORATORY

MAGENTA AND RIFF RAFF WATCH THE T.V. MONITOR.
  (Sit down, bitch!)
JANET GETS READY FOR BED...
  (I said sit down!)
JANET CLIMBS INTO BED.

MAGENTA

Ha ha.

CUT TO: JANET'S ROOM

COYOTE HOWLS.
  (Shut up, Magenta, we'll feed you in the morning!)
  (MAGENTA: But I'm hungry, now!)

WE SEE JANET IN SILHOUETTE ON THE NETTING AROUND HER BED. SHE LIES IN BED WHEN THERE'S A KNOCK AT THE DOOR.
JANET SITS UP.

JANET

Who is it? Who's there?
  (Roto-rooter, come to clean your pipes!)

BRAD'S VOICE (FROM BEHIND THE DOOR)

It's only me, Janet.
SHE RELAXES.

JANET

Oh, Brad, darling, come in.   (And out, and in, and out.)
A SILHOUETTE ENTERS AND CROSSES TO THE BED. IT MOVES ONTO THE BED BEHIND THE NET CURTIAN.

JANET

Oh Brad - mmmm - oh...oh yes, my darling - oh but what if -

BRAD

It's all right Janet.
Everything's going to be all right.
  (I brought the condoms!)

JANET

Oh, I hope so my darling. Oh, oh!
  (Number one rule in this move, don't mess with the hair!)
JANET IS SEEN RUNNING HER HAND THROUGH HIS HAIR, AND PULLS OFF A CURLY WIG.
  (Told you.)
Oh oh! Oh! It's you!
  (It's me, Al Franken!)

FRANK

I'm afraid so, Janet. But isn't it nice.
HE LIES DOWN ON TOP OF HER. JANET BEATS HIS CHEST WITH HER CLENCHED FISTS. HE LAUGHS.

JANET

Oh you beast! You monster! What have you done with Brad?!
  (Nothing yet! He's saving the butt's 'til last!)

FRANK

Eh well nothing. Why? Do you think I should?

JANET

You tricked me - I wouldn't have - I've never - never...(SHE CRIES)

FRANK

Yes, I know. But it isn't all bad, is it?
  (It isn't all Brad either!)
HE PUSHES HER DOWN ON THE BED AND LIES ON TOP OF HER.
I really think you might find it quite... pleasurable.
  (She'll love it.)
HE RECOMMENCES MAKING LOVE TO HER.

JANET

Oh...

FRANK

Oh...

JANET

Oh, stop. I mean, help...Oh, Brad - Oh, Brad!
SHE SITS UP; FRANK PLACES A FINGER ON HER LIPS.

FRANK

Ssssh. Brad's probably asleep by now. Do you want him to see you... like this?
HE PULLS HER LEGS AROUND HIM.

JANET

Like this, Like how?
  (Echo: Like this like Hell!)
It's your fault! You're to blame!
I was saving myself!
  (For what a rainy day? Look outside, bitch!)

FRANK

I'm sure your not spent, yet.
  (For a nickel she will be!)

JANET

Promise you want tell Brad?

FRANK

Cross my heart and hope to die.
  (Stick a dildo in my eye!)
  (Raise your feet to Jesus!)

HE PUSHES HER DONW AS HER FEET GO UP IN THE AIR, AND RECOMMENCES MAKING LOVE TO HER.

JANET

Oh oh.

CUT TO: LABORATORY

INTERFERENCE ON T.V MONITOR. JANET AND FRANK LAUGH OFFSCREEN
MAGENTA MOPS THE FLOOR; RIFF RAFF DUSTS THE CONTROL PANEL
  (See Riff Raff, social retard, walk across Magenta's newly mopped floor.)
HE WALKS TO MAGENTA
  RIFF: Hey, sis! Wanna go fuck with the monster?
  MAGENTA: No, I'd rather stay here and fuck the mop handle. It's three feet long and always hard.

HE HANDS HER THE DUSTER AND WALKS OFF STAGE.
  RIFF: Hold my come rag.   (That's disgusting!)

CUT TO: BRIDAL CHAMBER

MAGENTA LEANS ON HER MOP IN THE BACKGROUND. RIFF WALKS TO THE BED WHERE ROCKY LIES FACE-DOWN ON THE BED, CHAINED BY THE ANKLES.
  (But not as disgusting as this!)
  (TUNE OF CAMPTOWN RACES) "Rocky takes it up the ass, do dah, do dah. Riff Raff hope he don't pass gas, oh do dah day!"
  (Servants entrance to the rear. Why do you think they call him a butler? Because he buttles!)
  ((TO THE STAINED GLASS OVER THE BED) if I had balls that big I'd carry them on my shoulders, too!)
  (That's a mighty big ball!)

HE TOUCHES A CANDLEABRA TO ROCKY'S SLEEPING FORM
  (How 'bout a little fire, Scarecrow! (VIA WIZARD OF OZ))
ROCKY AWAKENS AND SITS UP.
  (How many candles?)
RIFF RAFF SMILES AND JERKS THE CANDLEABRA TOWARD ROCKY.
  (How many candles!?!?)
ROCKY PUTS HIS HANDS UP TO HIS FACE
  (Ten! Ten candles!)
  (Wrong! Thirteen!)

HE BACKS AWAY FROM THE FLAME. RIFF RAFF LAUGHS.
ROCKY STANDS AND PULLS ON THE CHAINS.
  (Look, it's Mr. T's neck chain!)
RIFF RAFF LAUGHS AGAIN, THRUSTING THE CANDLEABRA TOWARD HIM. ROCKY BREAKS THE CHAIN AND THE BED STARTS TO COLLAPSE. HE ESCAPES THROUGH THE CURTIAN.
  (When Rocky comes, he sure brings down the house!)
THE BED COLLAPSES ON RIFF RAFF.

CUT TO: LABORATORY

ROCKY RUNS TOWARD THE ELEVATOR SHAFT. CAMERA PANS WITH HIM AS HE CLIMBS DOWN THE SHAFT. MAGENTA AND RIFF RAFF, STILL HOLDING THE CANDLEABRA, ENTER. HE STOMPS ON ROCKY's HAND AND THROWS A CANDLE DOWN THE SHAFT AFTER HIM.
  (Take that!)

CUT TO: LIFT SHAFT

ROCKY CLIMBS DOWN THE SHAFT WITH CHAINS HANGING FROM HIS ANKLES.

CUT TO: LABORATORY

  (CHANT: Elbow sex, Elbow sex!)
MAGENTA AND RIFF RAFF MAKE A STRANGE SIGN WITH THEIR HANDS AND ARMS.
  (Incest is the best put your sister to the test, if you can't keep it in you pants, keep it in the family!)
RIFF RAFF PUTS HIS ARMS AROUND MAGENTA AND KISSES HER NECK.
  (New from Parker Brothers!)
SHE GASPS.
  (Fun for the whole family! The family that comes together, sticks together!)

CUT TO: HALL

ROCKY JUMPS DOWN THE ELEVATOR AND RUNS TOWARD THE FRONT DOOR.
  (HERE, IF YOU LISTEN CLOSLEY, AS SOON AS IT CUTS TO BRAD'S ROOM, THERE'S A TUBA NOTE. BEFORE THIS NOTE IS BLOW SAY,) Ladies and gentlemen, Barry Manilow farts!)

CUT TO: BRAD'S ROOM

WE SEE BRAD'S SILHOUETTE LYING IN BED ON THE NET CURTAIN SURROUNDING HIM.
  (We know what's gonna happen here!)
A WOMAN'S SILHOUETTE MOVES FORWARD AND CLIMBS INTO BED WITH HIM.

JANET'S VOICE

Oh Brad, if s not good here- It will destroy us.

BRAD

Don't worry Janet, We'll be away from here in the morning.

JANET

Oh, Brad. You're so strong and protective. Hmm. Hmm. Oh!
  (I said don't mess with the hair!)
BRAD RUNS HIS FINGERS THROUGH HER HAIR.
THE WIG FALLS OFF FRANK, REVEALING HIS TRUE IDENTITY.

BRAD

You!
BRAD PUSHES HIM AWAY.

FRANK

I'm afraid so, Brad, but isn't it nice?
  (Well, it certainly isn't Weiss!)
BRAD GRABS FRANK AROUND THE THROAT AND PUSHES HIM AWAY, THEN SITS UP.

BRAD

Why you - what have you done with Janet?
  (Fucked the shit out of her!)

FRANK

Nothing... why? Do you think I should?

BRAD

You tricked me. I wouldn't have - never - never - never.
  (That's not what you said last night!)
BRAD LETS GO AND TURNS AWAY, HUMILIATED.

FRANK

Oh, yes, I know. But it isn't all bad is it? Not even half bad.
BOTH LIE BACK ON THE BED.
I think you really quite enjoyed it.
FRANK CARESSES BRAD.
Mmm so soft. You're so sensual.

BRAD

Oh, stop it, stop it... (SHOUT) Janet!
FRANK MUTTERS AND HALF SITS UP.

FRANK

Shush. Janet's probably asleep by now. Do you want her to see you... like this?
HE PULLS BRAD'S LEGS UP AROUND HIM.

BRAD

Like this! Like how!
  (Like this, Like Hell!)
lt's you're fault-you're to blame! I thought it was the real thing.
  (But it was only a finger!)

FRANK

Oh, come on Brad. Admit it. You liked it, didn't you? There's no crime in giving yourself over to total pleasure.
  (There is in Tennessee! But not in Arkansas! Road trip!)
Oh, Brad you've wasted so much time already. Janet needn't know, I won't tell her.

BRAD

Well, you promise you want tell?

FRANK

On... On my mother's gra ... (MUFFLED)
  (Your mother has a grail?)
A BEEPING NOISE SUDDENLY THE SHADOWS ARE ILLUMINATED BY THE MONITOR AS AN IMAGE OF RIFF RAFF APPEARS ON THE SCREEN ABOVE THE BED.

RIFF RAFF

Master. Master, Rocky has broken his chains and vanished.
  (poof!)
The new playmate is loose and somewhere in the castle grounds.
  (Echo: ...somewhere in the coffee grounds-)
Magenta has just released the dogs.
  (Echo:. . released her sisters.)
FRANKS AND BRAD'S SILHOUETTES THROUGH NET CURTAIN. FRANK IS GETTING CARRIED AWAY.

FRANK

Hmm. Coming!
  (So is Brad!)

CUT TO: JANET'S ROOM
JANET

  (Fake tears scene, take on,)
What's happening?
  (Fake tears scene, take two)
Where's Brad?
  (Fake tears scene, take fiv,)(Three, sir!)
Where's anybody?

CUT TO: CASTLE GROUNDS

A SHOT OF PACK OF HUGE ALSATIANS CAREENING AROUND THE CASTLE GROUNDS. THEY ARE CHASING A BEWILDERED ROCKY.
  (Nipples and clits, Nipples and clits, I'm gonna get me some Nipples and Clits.)

CUT TO: HALL NEAR LIFT - ON JANET

JANET GETS INTO THE ELEVATOR, CLOSING THE DOOR BEHIND HER.

JANET

Oh, Brad. Oh Brad, my darling.
  (Oh, Janet, my fish.)
Oh, how could I have done this to you?
  (It would have been easier without the pantyhose.)
SHE PRESSES A BUTTON AND THE ELEVATOR ASCENDS TO THE LABORATORY.

CUT TO: LABORATORY

THE ELEVATOR STOPS; JANET OPENS THE GATE. CAMERA PANS WITH HER AS SHE MOVES OUT OF THE ELEVATOR; PUTS HER HAND TO HER HEAD.

JANET

Oh, if only we hadn't made this journey.
  (But you did.)
JANET STANDS IN FRONT OF THE CONTROL PANEL.
If only the car hadn't broken down.
  (But it did.)
JANET MOVES TO THE TANK.
If only we were amongst friends, or sane persons.
  (If only your tits would fall out of that bra!) (But they won't!)
Oh, Brad.
  (Stop crying and get butch bitch!)
What have they done with him?
JANET SWITCHES ON THE MONITOR. INTERFERENCE CLEARS TO REVEAL FRANK LYING ON THE BED WITH BRAD SITTING ON THE EDGE OF THE BED SMOKING.
  (l didn't know Brad smoked after sex.) (I didn't know Brad had sex!)
Oh, Brad. Oh Brad! How could you?
  (How could you!)
SHE SWITCHES THE MONITAR OFF, AND STARTS TO CRY.
  (How can she cry with that thing in her hand?) (She can't jump that high.) (That's what the ladder's for! It's the shape of things to come!) (No, it's the shape of things that cum!)
SHE STOPS AS SHE HEARS MOANING FROM OFFSCREEN.
Back to Top
Touch Me / Creature of the Night
JANET APPROACHES THE TANK. THE MOANING IS COMING FROM SOMEONE IN THE TANK COVERED WITH A RED CLOTH. JANET PULLS THE CLOTH BACK, REVEALING ROCKY, COVERED IN DIRT.
JANET GASPS.
  (Leave him alone! He's monster-bating! Geez, can't anyone monster-bate in peace?)
ROCKY SITS UP OUT OF THE TANK.

JANET

Oh, you're hurt.
(JANET LOOKS AT ROCKY'S HAND) Did they do this to you?
  (No, I shit in my diaper and was playing in it.)
ROCKY NODS, SHE BENDS DOWN.
Here...
CLOSE ON JANET'S HANDS AS SHE RIPS A PIECE FROM THE BOTTOM OF HER SLIP.
...I'll dress your wounds.
  (And un-dress me)
BACK TO SCENE. JANET WRAPS HIS HAND WITH THE FABRIC FROM HER SLIP. ROCKY SMILES AND PLACES HIS HAND ON HERS.
Poor Baby, there.
  (He's got more hurt than you got skirt!)
JANET LOOKS AWAY FROM ROCKY, AND SMILES MISCHIEVIOUSLY.
  (Hey, Janet, wanna Fuck? Think about it Janet, long and hard. Smile if you want one this big! (SPREAD ARMS ACROSS THE THEATER.))

CRIMINOLOGIST (OFF SCREEN)

Emotion...agitation...or disturbance of mind...

WIPE TO: STUDY

THE CRIMINOLOGIST IS READING THE DEFINITION OF EMOTION FROM A DICTIONARY.
  (And you can only read about it, shit lips!)

CRIMINOLIGIST

...vehement or excited mental state.
THE CRIMINOLOGIST TURNS TO FACE THE CAMERA.
It is also a powerful and irrational master.
  (Echo: Mouthwash.)
And from what Magenta and Columbia eagerly viewed on their television monitor...

WIPE TO: COLUMBIA'S ROOM

MAGENTA SITS ON A COUCH, DRYING HER HAIR. COLUMBIA IS PAINTING MAGENTA'S TOENAILS.

CRIMINOLOGIST (OFF SCREEN)

There seemed little doubt that Janet...
ANGLE ON T.V. MONITOR, SHOWING JANET AND ROCKY ON THE SCREEN.
...was indeed its slave.
  (indeed a nymphomaniac.)
BACK TO MAGENTA AND COLUMBIA

MAGENTA & COLUMBIA

Tell us about it, Janet.
THEY LAUGH

SONG STARTS: “Touch Me / Creature of the Night”

CUT TO: LABARATORY

JANET STROKES THE BACK OF ROCKY'S HAND WITH THE PIECE TORN FROM HER SLIP

JANET

I was feeling done in.
  (And out, in and out.)
Couldn't win.
  (Like the Grizzlies.)
I'd only ever kissed before.
  (What a crock of shit!)

CUT TO: COLUMBIA'S ROOM

COLUMBIA

You mean she's ...

MAGENTA

Uh huh.

JANET

I thought there's no use getting...
  (Laid? There's always use in getting laid.)
...into heavy petting
It only leads to trouble and... seat-wetting.
  (FIND SOME ONE IN THE AUDIENCE AND SCREAM, Holy shit, her seats wet!) (If she wasn't before it is now!)

CUT TO: COLUMBIA'S ROOM

MAGENTA LAUGHS.

JANET (OFF SCREEN)

Now all I want to know...

CUT TO: LABORATORY

JANET AND ROCKY, HER HAND ON HIS SHOULDER.

JANET

...is how to go. I've tasted blood and I want more.
  (Echo:...I've tasted cum and I want more.)

CUT TO: COLUMBIA'S ROOM

COLUMBIA & MAGENTA

More...more...more
  (Echo: More, more, fuck me more.)

CUT TO: LABORATORY

JANET SITS ON THE EDGE OF THE TANK TEARING OFF ANOTHER PIECE OF HER SLIP.

JANET

I'll put up no resistance. I want to stay the distance.
  (Echo:...I wanna fuck your pistons!)

CUT TO: COLUMBIA'S ROOM

COLUMBIA & MAGENTA

More.

CUT TO: LABORATORY

JANET

I've got an itch to scratch, I need assistance
JANET SITS ON THE EGDE OF THE TANK, PUTS HER ARMS AROUND ROCKY'S NECK AND HER LEGS AROUND HIS BODY.
Touch-a, touch-a, touch-a, touch me. I wanna be dirty!
  (Echo:...Fuck-a, Fuck-a, Fuck-a, fuck me.)
ROCKY TURNS AWAY FROM JANET.

CUT TO: COLUMBIA'S ROOM

COLUMBIA STROKES MAGENTA'S LEG.

JANET (OFF SCREEN)

Thrill me, chill, fulfill me, Creature of the Night.
  (Echo: Do me, screw me, drive through me. Make me feel your testis.)

CUT TO: T.V. MONITOR

ROCKY DUCKS UNDER JANET'S LEG; JANET GETS UP FROM THE EDGE OF THE TANK AND STANDS INSIDE IT.
  (If God hadn't meant for men to eat pussy it would be shaped like a taco and smell like tuna.)
  (If God hadn't meant for woman to suck dick it wouldn't be shaped like a popsicle and so protein filled.)

LABORATORY

ROCKY AND JANET ARE IN THE TANK.

JANET

Then if anything grows, while you pose. I'll oil you up and rub you down.

CUT TO: COLUMBIA'S ROOM

COLUMBIA & MAGENTA

  (Up,)
Down,   (up,)
down,   (up,)
down.

CUT TO: LABORATORY

JANET

And that's just one small fraction, of the main attraction.
  (ECHO: fraction, of your huge erection!)

CUT TO: COLUMBIA'S ROOM

COLUMBIA AND MAGENTA SING LAUGH IN GLEE.

CUT TO: LABORATORY

JANET

You need a friendly hand...
  (Or two)
JANET PUTS ROCKY'S HANDS ON HER BREASTS.
Oh, I need action.
Touch-a, touch-a, touch-a touch me, I wanna be dirty!
ROCKY STARTS TO RUB JANET'S BREASTS.
Thrill me, chill me, fulfill me, Creature of the night

CUT TO: COLUMBIA'S ROOM

MAGENTA IS LAUGHING

COLUMBIA

Touch-a, touch-a, touch-a, touch me...

MAGENTA

I wanna be dirty

COLUMBIA

Thrill me, chill me, fulfill me...

MAGENTA

Creature of the night
MAGENTA BLOWS THE HAIRDRIER DOWN COLUMBIA'S SHIRT

CUT TO: LABORATORY, IN THE TANK

JANET IS ON TOP OF ROCKY. ROCKY IS CARRESSING JANET

JANET

Oh, touch-a, touch-a, touch-a, touch me! I wanna be dirty!
ROCKY ROLLS JANET OVER SO HE IS ON TOP
  (Oh, Fuck-a, fuck-a, fuck-a fuck me, I wanna get Herpes!)

BACK TO COLUMBIA'S ROOM

COLUMBIA AND MAGENTA ARE WRESTLING, PARODYING JANET

JANET (OFF SCREEN)

Thrill me, chill me...

CUT TO: LABORATORY, CLOSE UP ON JANET, LYING IN THE TANK

JANET

Creature of the night.

DISSOLVE TO: ROCKY

  (Pawn jumps Queen.) OR, (SWITCH!)

ROCKY

Creature of the night.

DISSOLVE TO: BRAD

  (Rook Jumps Queen.) OR, (SWITCH!)

BRAD

Creature of night.

DISSOLVE TO: JANET

JANET TILTS HER HEAD BACK.

DISSOLVE TO: FRANK

  (Queen jumps Queen.) OR, (SWITCH!)

FRANK

Creature of the night.

DISSOLVE TO: ROCKY KISSING JANET

  (Gang bang!)

DISSOLVE TO: MAGENTA

MAGENTA

Creature of the night.

DISSOLVE TO: ROCKY AND JANET LYING FACE DOWN, JANET'S HANDS TWISTING ABOUT ON EITHER SIDE OF HIM.
DISSOLVE TO: RIFF RAFF'S FACE

RIFF RAFF

Creature of the night.

DISSOLVE TO: JANET'S FACE, ROLLING SIDE TO SIDE

DISSOLVE TO: COLUMBIA'S FACE

  (SCREAM as though frightened)

COLUMBIA

Creature of the night.

DISSOLVE TO: ROCKY

  (Hey, You can't have seconds!)
LYING FACE-DOWN, JANET'S HANDS MOVES MOVE ABOUT ON EITHER SIDE OF HIM.

DISSOLVE TO: ROCKY'S FACE

ROCKY

Creature of the night.

JANET

Creature of the night. - oh!
JANET'S HEAD FALLS BACK AND COVERS HERSELF WITH THE RED SHEET.

END SONG

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